TODAY’S MESSAGE
Have you ever felt overwhelmed? I talk to people everyday that feel that way. Divorce, hunger, disease, addictions, homelessness, debt, trauma, everyday people come to our church for help. And it should be that way. The church is God’s representative on earth. We should be telling everyone that God deeply cares about their personal affairs. David knew this. He was overwhelmed with life and all the challenges it had for him, yet he knew he could turn to the Lord. He cried out to God and plead for mercy. And God listened. Jeremiah attests to this. In Lamentations 3:22-24 Jeremiah writes, “The faithful love of the LORD never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.” What an overwhelming truth. God’s faithful love NEVER ends and His mercies NEVER cease. I can’t even begin to get my brain around that. And the beauty is, every morning I wake up, God is there, with all His love and mercy waiting for me. Today, when you need to, cry out to God. Pour out your complaints to Him. Tell Him all about your troubles. He has a brand new day’s worth of mercy and love waiting for you.

TODAY’S PRAYER
Father, I am so glad I can come before You and share all my burdens. I am so grateful for Your mercy and faithfulness. Thank You that they never cease but are new every morning. Praise You Lord.
AMEN

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13^th Oct 2008 – Welcome prince JAYDEN!!! He is sooooooo beautiful. Mama called me after the delivery. Sooooooo happy to hear her voice. You did well MAMA!!!! Soooooooo proud of you! I went during lunch time to get a sneak peep of him and to surprise Mama with the diaper cake I got for Jayden. Got it customize with Mickey stuffs as Mama is a BIG Mickey fan and baby Jayden is born in the year of the rat. Hahaha they love it but poor Mama has to lie on bed and not move after the operation. Nevertheless, she was super happy to see me and despite being tired it didn’t stop her from chatting nonstop with me. Not forgetting all the thanking of me visiting…  Laoda met with an accident. Stupid TMC carpark! Anyone who has been there will know how tight and cramp that carpark is. D didn’t get to see Jayden and spend the rest of the time waiting for TMC management to settle the accident. Though short, I’m glad I got to congratulate the amazing couple and meet Jayden.

14^th Oct 2008 – This time I went after work to spend more time with Baby Jayden and the couple with D. Mama is feeling better and is able to move and we took some pics. I carried Jayden for the longest time ever. He is sooooooo cute. Slept sooo soundly despite my attempts to make him open his eyes. Each time I disturb him, he frowned. LOL… CUTENESS…

CONGRATULATIONS MAMA SAM n PAPA HOCK!!! Jayden is super duper cute and beautiful… can I please take him home with me??? 

p/s: Mama, get hock to send those pics to my gmail leh. I wana load your Quan Jia Fu here mah… hahaha

!!!

I believe my fascination with the current elections and my desire to stop reading about it gets closer to real, honest, meaningful desire.  My political interest is really a reflection of wanting a better world, of care for the future, of concern for children, including my own children.  I want my time and energy to be available to reach people in ways that reduces their pain, increases their joy, and in this way changes the world.  As I continue to explore desire, I’ll remember the idea that I want my work to be significant, to bring deep change to people.

I've been taking a Solo Performance Workshop taught by Laura Zam, and tonight was our performance.  There were eleven of us, we each wrote and performed our own pieces.  I went first.  It was amazing.  I loved every minute of the process from beginning to end.  I loved writing it, I loved practicing it, I loved getting direction from my classmates and having Laura slash my piece and rearrange it 48 hours before the performance.  Most of all I loved being on stage.  Please oh please I'll do anything to be onstage again. 

My friends came to see the show, that blew my mind, too.  I have the most amazing friends.  I'm utterly floored that so many of them came to support me.  I'm humbled by their generosity and love.  Afterwards some of us went to Tryst for coffee and treats.  I had an eclair.  I can't be sure if it simply paled in comparison to the thrill of being on stage, but I'm fairly certain that eclair flat out sucked.  It was flavorless.  No matter, I'm still on top of the world.  Someone got a piece of chocolate cake so I ate some of that, too.  

I'll be curious to see how I feel tomorrow.  It's unlikely I'll walk away from a late night eclair and chocolate cake without a sugar crash, but I'm not sure how this emotional high will play out.  The way I feel right now I anticipate a slow burn off, and am hoping I'll slide into a peaceful, satisfied contentment.  Then again, there might be tears.  Either way, know that tonight was amazing.   

With no discernible segue, I've got to mention the dinner I had on the fly before the performance.  I had planned on another of those hummus sandwiches I've been enjoying, but they were sold out.  I went for a vegan turkey salad sandwich - something I'll usually avoid as I shun tofu-based fake meat products.  This sandwich was really tasty.  It really hit the spot.  And according to the label, it had 30 grams of protein, which means my serotonin production should be more than adequate to handle any emotional crash I face tomorrow.  Right now I'm looking for a good night's sleep.  Tomorrow I'm going to get online and get myself signed up for another Performance class.  I'm hooked.  All I want to do for the rest of my life is tell stories on stage.  I've found my heart's desire.

www.HoweToEat.com

She pauses. The whole landscape is quiet. This must be one of those "sweet hours of prayer" your grandmother sang about... but it doesn't look so sweet for this woman. Although the moon is full and the stars are as bright as ever they have been, her shoulders remain bowed and her face toward the ground. She ceases her pacing and takes cover in a magnolia tree, from which she utters groans so heavy as to snap the branches. Words are indistinguishable now; but she is wholly unconcerned with your ears. She cries past the trees, past the clouds, beyond the moon, out among the stars to Someone for an audience...and a deep silence responds. Will no one help her? Is there not an answer in all the universe for this broken one?

And then she, too, becomes quiet. Still weeping, she rocks back and forth against the unmoving tree trunk... (or is Someone rocking her?) Beneath her heaving sobs, you think you hear a low murmer in comforting tones, as a father soothing his daughter back to sleep after a nightmare. Do not be afraid. I heard you crying. The moans subside; slowly her sighs become steady and less sorrowful. Shhh. Be still. I am here.

Slipping down from among the branches, she slowly returns out of the tree's thick shadow into the moonlight. Her face is still streaked with tears, but her demeanor has been altered by this encounter. Instead of hanging low from her shoulders, her head is uplifted as she gazes upon this landscape. It is as though she sees more than the individual blades of grass, more than the contours of the tree bark, more than the height of the wisps of cloud  drifting by. As her eyes dart from one to the other, her whole body follows in what is at first awkward and jerky motion, but gradually turns to graceful wheeling about: leaping, floating, arms spread wide to welcome in her newfound joy. All the while she is singing, whispering, shouting:

He is here! HE is here! He IS here! He is HERE! HE IS HERE!

"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing."  Psalm 30:11

About what I wrote last night...

I didn't necessarily get the direct answer I was looking for, like there was no blatant sign or voice but I don't think it was needed. I just think God made me realized how blessed I am and that I have a choice... To either be fulfilled by what he provides for me, which is far beyond what us needed for fulfillment, or to be down in the dumps. I have nothing to be down in the dumps about: I have a job, I go to college, I have an amazing girlfriend who's more than just a girlfriend and completely a gift from God, and a loving family... Not to mention the whole salvation thing. So what's there to be depressed about?? Im just going to enjoy the present and let God direct me into the future....

who tears the walls of my fear away

to reveal the illusions they have been.

You are the gentle river of peace

that flows from the ocean of Love’s heart,

healing my pain

and opening my own Love center.

You are the Universe in a grain of sand

whose timelessness stands still within my soul.

You are my Self revealing the beauty

I have not allowed myself to see

and can only bear a little

because of the intensity of our radiance.

You are my magnifier

expanding that which I AM

and have wanted to BE forever.

You are me,

You are Love,

You are me.

I revel in the Joy our reunion

as my heart expands

to fill the endless realms of the Universe

You ARE...

Delight in God cannot occur in an intellectual vacuum.  Our joy is the fruit of what we know and believe to be true of God.  Emotional heat such as joy, delight, and gladness of heart, apart from intellectual light (i.e. the knowledge of God) is useless... The experience of heaven's inhabitants confirms that our knowledge of God (education) is the cause or grounds for our delight in him (exultation), which blossoms in the fruit of his praise and honor and glory (exaltation).

What this tells us is that the ultimate goal of theology isn't knowledge, but worship.  If our learning and knowledge of God do not lead to joyful praise of God, we have failed.  We learn only that we might laud, which is to say that theology without doxology is idolatry.  The only theology worth studying is a theology that can be sung!  (Sam Storms, One Thing, page 82)

When one gets right down to it, the ultimate goal of all of life is worship... isn't it?

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Almost there. Sorry about this.

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Now, wasn't that worth Scrolling down here?

So I've moved back to my own house and spent a manic weak painting and cleaning and sorting. If in doubt clean. It's what we do it seems.

My room is no longer this horrible shade of orange - the previous tenants having daubed the walls like a painting indian elephant. It is now tastefully (and boringly) white. This is oddly satisfying.

But then we thought we should literally get back in the boat and so we did. Now most of you think that the Blackwater is just a dingy little bit of water (stained black from the cow poo...) separating Tyrone from Armagh and stopping them from beating us in football. This may be true, (even the bit about cow poo) but it's also quite pretty none the less.

Canoeing is almost the perfect Northern Irish sport, requiring large amounts of rainfall and a sport where you're gonna end up wet anyhow so it may as well be raining. Though I describe it as a sport, it's certainly not how we approach it. More of a way to get one from one place to the other with nice scenery that takes much more time and effort than simply driving would do.

It has reasonable support in NI with a number of new steps and trails being opened. The one on the Blackwater describes it as being accessible canoeists of all levels.

And while it started well despite the rain, we were soon avoiding discarded fishing tackle and spinners strung over the first bridge - i'm still not sure if they were lost or intentional in their placement.

There was a fair degree of flow on the river, with what could only be described as minor rapids to anyone with any degree of experience. To us this was grade 5 death rapids. Or so it seemed.

Our major mistake was the wrong turn. Some would have thought that making a wrong turn on a river is particularly difficulty if not nigh on impossible, but they would be wrong. Probably most easily seen on this map is the little island created by the diverging paths of the river. All of this came as a bit of a shock and so we did what any sensible person would do and chose to follow the narrow, overgrown river that left at an acute angle as opposed to following that wide, open stretch that lay straight ahead. Err... yes.

I suppose we got a little carried away, used to speeds of up to 2mph on the Bann we were a little dizzy with the adrenaline of 10mph, thinking we were back in the flumes in Portadown pool or something.

Till Simon hit the tree anyhow.

The nose of the canoe wedged under a submerged trunk and the full flow of the river behind meant it wasn't long till the boat was flipped and wedged under the trunk - with Simon still inside. I'd love to say i paddled swiftly to the rescue but was busy trying to limbo under my own tree somewhat further up the river.

Now when you're in a canoe, the most important thing is the paddle. With no paddle you're just an idiot in a skirt in a plastic bathtub with no control.

So of course Simon, now underwater, tries his best to hold true to this idea, despite the lack of oxygen and the entrapment. Thankfully he lets go of canoe, paddle and finally tree and floats down the river. I, at this point a little late to rescue the brother make a sterling job of saving the paddle as Simon drags the canoe to field at the side.

This is all a little dramatic for a wet Tuesday afternoon two weeks after your Dad's died. We both imagined what would have happened if Simon had actually met an ignominious end under a tree - we could picture Da saying "what the *&^% are you doing here?..."

In the end it was all a little less dramatic than it seemed at the time. We ended up carrying both canoes through a field of cows (sometimes I wonder what the cows make of it all...) to the junction of the river, had a nice cup of coffee from the thermos and paddled onward without further problem.

We haven't quite got round to telling Liz yet, though she'll find out eventually no doubt. She worries. Understandably it seems. The next purchase is helmets. Which says more about how much we enjoyed the drama and not so much about regard for safety...

Joy is the second fruit of the Spirit listed in Galatians 5:22, which means that all of us as Christ believers should have joy in our hearts. When you think of joy in this sense, what does it mean to you? The Holman Bible Dictionary describes joy as "the happy state that results from knowing and serving God". It goes on to say that "Joy is the fruit of a right relationship with God" and that it's not something we can create for ourselves apart from God.

For me, when I think of joy, I think of contentment. No matter what's going on around me, the joy in my heart brings me contentment. That is it helps me to be satisfied with who I am in Christ and to not try and create my own pleasure from what the world would offer me. You see, while joy and pleasure are somewhat synonymous, they do not mean the same thing. The Bible very clearly distinquishes one from the other. The Greek word for pleasure is the word from which we get the English word hedonism, which means self-centered pleasure seeking. No way that can be pleasing to God! Yet how often do we fall into the trap of trying to chase after the pleasure the world tries to offer us?

Another question. If, as Christians, we have the fruit of the Spirit, then why does it seem like there are a lot of joyless Christians out there? What about you? Do you sometimes allow the world to rob you of your joy? Why is that? I believe it's just another part of the evil one's plan to neutralize us, to make us ineffective. If we are going around moaning, woe is me, what does that say to unbelievers who are watching us? Sure doesn't make them want what we have, does it? On the other hand, if they see us joyful or content, no matter what our circumstances, what does that say to them? Could it spark in them a desire to learn where that joy and contentment comes from? We can only hope so!

You see, joy is not something we have to seek. We, as Christ believers, already have it. It comes from experiencing the presence of Christ in our lives and all around us. We simply have to believe and receive.

Let me leave you with the following quote I read in Stand Firm last month:

"Joy is a pure, sweet fruit of the Holy Spirit and simplicity is its hallmark. One recognizes the real thing by its untainted purity. Joy will not compete long with doubts, denials, excuses or compromizes. Either the doubts go, or joy goes. Joy wants all or nothing. Joy is bent on covering the whole Earth with the glory of God."  Mike Mason

I'm feeling the desire to share some of what I've learned from interacting with Tony Burroughs' list of 10 Intentions for a Better World.

~> Intention One: I support life. "I refrain from opposing or harming anyone.  I allow others to have their own experiences.  I see life in all things and honor it as if it were my own.  I support life."

These are no small goals, but certainly the worthiest of goals.  There are those who know me who, if the opportunity arose, might step forward and describe all the ways that I fall short of these intentions.  Who might I have harmed?  Who opposed?  Where have I interfered in the life of another rather than to allow them to have their own experience?  Do I really see life in all things?  This keyboard for instance?  What about that fire hydrant outside?  Or that plastic wrap that I just threw in the trash? 

The potential objections highlight the need for definition.  What is an intention?  An intention is an objective, or a plan of action.  "I mean to eat at that new restaurant.  I intend to stop in there for scrambled tofu someday soon."  One could easily argue that I've never been to that restaurant, that I've never eaten there and so I don't know what I'm talking about.  But what are the neigh-sayers really saying?  They're stating the obvious without speaking at all to the stated desire to be fulfilled. 

Do I have a desire to see life in all things?  Yes, absolutely I do!  Much of what I do in my life is driven by that very desire.  I meditate, I pray.  I study sacred and spiritual writings, and I discuss and share what I learn along the way.  I share my gratitude and my love and my appreciation whenever and where ever I can.  I align my life with the upward emotions of joy and love and harmony.  I take on and internalize the credo, "Nothing is more important than that I feel good."  That isn't a declaration of hedonistic intent, rather it's a commitment to all of humanity to support and vanguard the upward spiral of the collective consciousness towards a higher and higher emotional benchmark as we collectively continue our evolutionary movement along the path-of-return to the source of all that is.

"Nothing is more important than that I feel good" also serves as the perfect point of balance as I move forward with my heart set upon the ideal of opposing and harming no one.  Opposing others does not feel good (to me.)  Judging others as misguided to the point of interfering in the experience that their actions lay out before them feels like resistance.  Resistance is akin to swimming upstream.  Nothing is more important than that I feel good is a commitment to downstream travel, a commitment to getting in the groove and really allowing the Universe to set my course.  All I need to do is to let the Universe know where I want to go and what I want to be, and then allow the Universe to get me there in its own time and pace.  That is wisdom in action.  That's following my own course in harmony and peace, and really allowing others to take the upstream course if that is what they're determined to do.

To my way of being, "I support life" means first that I support the highest ideals of love, harmony, peace and gratitude within my own heart first.  In that way I get to set an example for any who are interested in following the path-of-return behind me, as I follow those who have opened the path ahead of me. 

Next time I'd like to share my heart on Intention Two: "I seek truth"

[Today's Emotional Guidance Scale report: I'm holding steady at 1 to 2 (Joy, Love, Appreciation, Passion.  Ain't life grand!?!]

I have joy. I have joy because my Jesus died for me, so that I will live forever with Him. He blesses me everyday. My family, my needs and alot of my wants. He sustains me, gives me the strength to face everyday knowing that in the end I am doing what I was meant to do and I'm completely content.

Holy Mary, Mother of God,
you gave the world its true light, Jesus, your Son, the Son of God.
You abandoned yourself completely to God’s call
and thus became a wellspring of the goodness which flows forth from Him.
Show us Jesus, lead us to Him.
Help us to know and love Him,
so that we, too, can become capable of true love,
and be fountains of living water, in the midst of a thirsting world.
Amen.
(written by Pope Benedict XVI)

Besides preparing for our election on the 24th of this month, and beginning that novena, St. Teresa is special to the Salesian Sisters because she was a woman who really could read the signs of her times, and was able to hear God's urgings.  Here are some of my favorite things she said or wrote:

Just as we cannot stop the movement of the heavens, revolving as they do with such speed, so we cannot restrain our thought.
Fourth Mansion - Ch. 1

 How true is this?  So often, we say, "Let's quiet our minds and open ourselves to the presence of God."  I think St. Teresa was in touch with the impossibility of quieting our thoughts, and she was able to realize that our minds are more like spectators, so when I hear this phrase, I like to picture myself sitting at the edge of a stream, as life moves on, to see God present - the water making the stream flow...

We cannot know whether we love God, although there may be strong reason for thinking so; but there can be no doubt about whether we love our neighbor or not. Be sure that, in proportion as you advance in fraternal charity, you are increasing your love of God.
Fifth Mansion Ch. III

 I can still hear Sr. Barbara Jane in the first grade saying "Actions speak louder than words."  So true - let's love one another , especially those it is most difficult to love, so our love for God will be EVIDENT!

Let nothing disturb thee; Let nothing dismay thee; All thing pass; God never changes. Patience attains All that it strives for. He who has God Finds he lacks nothing: God alone suffices.

 How true - in the end...for every religious, and for every human being, God alone must suffice, because He is our only and greatest prize.  What we often forget is that in searching for Him, we often go astray, thinking one thing or another will bring us true happiness, but we all know that the feeling of longing returns until we belong totally to Him and can be found only on Him - this, friends, is true happiness!  (And why I think some of the people I know who could absolutely LIGHT THE WORLD ON FIRE with their happiness belong totally to HIM!)

     Sometimes in our daily walk with God Almighty, we forget that He desires to be called 'Father'. I know that over the last 24 hours I have striven to understand what it means to call God our Father. Sometimes, in the hustle and bustle of our earthly routines, we begin to think of God as this being that is far off and really only interested in our obedience to His commands. Unfortunately, this view of God only leads us to think of Him more as a King in whom's presence we are simply unworthy. Yet is this Biblical?

   J.I. Packer, in his book Knowing God, writes that adoption is our highest privilege as Christians. He asserts that, "to be right with God the Judge is a great thing, but to be loved and cared for by God the Father is a greater." You see, our justification (the act in which God declared us not guilty) was an act of mercy---God withheld the judgement of our sins and did not count them against us. Comparatively though, our adoption as children of God is an act of grace---God granting to us, something which we do not deserve in any way. God is not just a God of mercy but one of grace. He longs, not only to forgive us, but to bless us.

   Scriptures declare that God is a 'Father to the fatherless' (Psalm 68:5) and that God's great love for us is 'lavished on us, that we should be called children of God' (1 John 3:1). If we have accepted Christ as our Lord and Savior, God no longer deals with us according to our sins but according to His love. Sure, He disciplines but not out of anger. Psalm 103:13 says, "As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him." What an incredible thought that God, the Creator of all, considers us His children. He comforts us as His children. He protects us as His children. And, as mind-blowing as it is to me, He takes pleasure in us as His children.

  Make no mistake, God is holy and just and righteous. But He is also Father. As a Father cares for His child's well-being so does our Lord care for us. Never is there a moment in which He forgets us. Never. One of the most pointed illustrations of God's love for us was given sometime ago. I don't exactly know where it came from but it just fills my heart with joy to hear it. The illustration goes something like this: God loves you like a father loves his sleeping child. In the stillness of the night that father gazes over his child fast asleep and can't help but smile. What a precious image that brings to mind...that as we sleep, God our Father, gazes over us and just watches us sleep. He remembers our triumphs and our determination and sort of smiles to Himself. It is all He can do to keep Himself from waking us up with a big hug. That is the God who loves you. That is the God whom we serve. Praise be to His name for adopting us as His children. All honor and glory and praise be unto His name for loving us as His own...for that is who we are.

No Joy in Knowledge

The term we commonly use for a collection of useful facts and data is ‘knowledge’. Honestly, the word is over-rated and, while it does have a magnificent and dignified ring to it, we often come away with the notion that gaining ‘it’ is sufficient unto its self. That is a concept flawed.

The beauty of God’s Word (the Bible) is that He not only provides us with knowledge, but ‘understanding’—the catalyst that gives life to knowledge. Peter reminds us in his first letter to the mission-ed church that the Old Testament prophets were abundantly blessed with knowledge (given directly by God), but they had very little understanding of the things they knew and shared—abundantly informed, yet deficient in perception.

Of this salvation the prophets have inquired and searched carefully, who prophesied of the grace that would come to you, searching what, or what manner of time, the Spirit of Christ who was in them was indicating when He testified beforehand the sufferings of Christ and the glories that would follow. To them it was revealed that, not to themselves, but to us they were ministering the things which now have been reported to you through those who have preached the gospel to you by the Holy Spirit sent from heaven--things which angels desire to look into. 1 Peter 1:10-12

The Joy of Understanding

The prophets knew of two God-given truths: the suffering of Mount Calvary and the glory of Mount Olivet. Through them we learned prophetically of our Lord’s first coming (and His consequent torment on Calvary) and His second coming when He returns as our glorious and conquering King. What the prophets missed was the valley in between the two—the valley the Apostle Paul refers to in Romans 5:1-5. Through Paul’s explanation of God’s refining process we have understanding.

Paul explains (as does Peter) that Jesus wants nothing more for us than to be eternally blessed, just as He was. We read about an attribute of Christ Jesus (in Hebrews 1:9) that is often over looked.

You have loved righteousness and hated lawlessness; Therefore God, Your God, has anointed You With the oil of gladness more than Your companions."

There is no one happier than Jesus; He truly was, ‘The Man from Glad!” And that is what Jesus desires for us. The route to this eternal bliss is found only through Him and via His refining process. When we understand the progression (as prescribed in Romans 5), the motivation behind it all (Christ’s love for us), and the glorious destiny that awaits, it is only proper that we rejoice through it all. It is then we can declare with all confidence…

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

Something is Missing

There is a piece missing. We have knowledge and we have understanding, but if we are not utilizing that which we have, we lack wisdom. Wisdom is the ability to apply, with understanding, those things which we know to be true. It has been my experience that as I proceed ‘wisely’ with that which the Lord has provided, He provides more. In contrast, when I sit on my wisdom, the flow ceases.

Don’t Sit on Your Wisdom

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Compassion Dave’s “Blog of the Day”

"My Compassion Kids” by Andy ]]> http://tansen2008.wordpress.com/?p=3 Wed, 15 Oct 2008 16:15:52 +0000 tansen2008 http://tansen2008.ro.wordpress.com/2008/10/15/music-album-review-pashe-tumi-theko/ Artist: Raka Banerjee

Album: Pashe Tumi Theko

Producer: Cozmik Harmony, September 2008

"Pashe Tumi Theko" released by Cozmik Harmony in Sep 2008 in its collection of 'Pujor gaan', is a refreshingly new album of modern Bengali Songs. The 8 songs composed by Bengal's modern genre of composers and lyricists provide a wide array of melody, rhythm and tunes. Gautam Ghoshal’s poetry and melody is evident in the opening song of the album "Keno ki karone Shondhya name oshomoye" and the very typical of his semi classical gayaki is at its best in “Tomake bhebe din chole jay”. Joy Sarkar’s rhythm and mesmerizing tunes set up a beautiful poetry with Saikat Kundu’s lyrics in “Bole jao” and “Na na tomay bolbo na”. Debashish Ganguli has 3 songs in the album, and all the 3 songs utilizes a symphony of a well coordinated chorus team. “Lal matir pahare” sets up a vivid imagery of a throbbing tribal spirit of joy, “Jagohe jibon” becomes philosophically inclined exploring the journey of human walk of life, and the 3^rd song “Dholo bheja gondhe” is perhaps one of the most sensitive songs of the album, sensitizing the first drops of rain and mapping it into human life. “Shei Sur kothay gelo”, composed by Arpan Banerjee, again offers good old melody with rhyming lyrics in a back drop of bihu soundbeats and a chorus refrain. Overall, the 8 songs composed by four different composers creates lot of fresh new energy in the tunes and lyrics and has the melody to satisfy the connoisseurs.

All the songs bring about a fresh air about themselves, the songs gel well in the album with melody as the common factor, there is ample variety of rhythm and tune. The effect of the chorus team with excellent symphony is something to soak in. Raka's voice is different from the usual stereotypes in vocals we are used to hearing. Her classical background is evident by the way she throws her voice and how effortlessly she gyrates from a ghazal type "Tomake bhebe" to a fast and rockish "Jago he jibon", from rhythmic and haunting "Shei sur kothay gelo" to peppy "Lal matir pahare".

During last week's session, I was really able to say loud and clear that nothing I was currently doing or planning to do in my life was really the highest, most joyful thing I could imagine doing.

What I really have always wanted is to travel all around the world. Travel is something that has electrified me since I was a small girl, and I used to spend hours studying maps and reading about the history and culture of foreign lands. I spent most of my youth completely convinced that I would have traveled to at least half the countries in the world by the time I was thirty. I had no idea how it was going to happen, but I believed it would with as much certainty as I believed the sun would rise the next morning. It was just simply what was going to happen.

I'm not sure how that dream inevitability got derailed, but I suspect it had something to do with doing all the things other people told me I "should" do, like how I should go to college as soon as possible after high school, and I should go to the "best" college I could imagine for myself, and I should think about a career, and so on and so forth.

So, I did my best to do all the things I should do, and frankly had a pretty heart wrenchingly miserable time at it. My years at Bard were excruciating, I can honestly say that I think the college nearly killed me. There were a few moments that were so ugly that it's really only by the grace of God that I survived them, and my life since college has mostly involved a lot of tail-chasing, loneliness, and delaying of my dreams, worrying about bills, and leading a daily life that is decidedly not in my highest joy. Now that I am currently carrying more than $70,000 in debt, the idea of picking up and jumping on a plane to Europe to go discover... whatever there is to discover in Europe... seems like such a ridiculously improbable fantasy that it is a struggle to seriously entertain it.

Be that as it may, when AR asked me last week what I would do if I could do anything I wanted to, my immediate answer was: "Buy a one-way ticket to Spain and just explore, and meet people, and write about it, and then go wherever else I felt like going, and not come home until I felt like coming home." So he gave me a homework assignment to detail my trip to Spain as if it was really going to happen: list all my expenses I can't ditch, list all the possibilities of how I would get to Spain and what I would do once I got there, etc.

After about an hour of futzing around online, looking at plane fare and some other travel sites, as well as reviewing my current expenses, my Spain adventure seemed something like "Ha ha, wouldn't it be nice, but I can't even afford my plane ticket, nice fantasy, oh well..." - which is the point where I emotionally "committed" myself to going to healing school. As described in my previous blog entry, that plan rather suddenly unraveled, and so began my weekend of "nothing I try to do is working out".

AR has this take on things: Once I owned that my current life & choices are not my highest potential, and once I declared that I am ready to make a shift in my life and start living from my highest truth, the big looming plan that was NOT my highest truth (more school) suddenly fell off my plate. But when I started to back away from my truth, and didn't follow through with my "homework" to take that truth seriously, everything else I tried to do to distract myself (bellydancing, film festival, gym, taking pictures, etc.) just DIDN'T WORK. Why? Because Allah is Merciful, He doesn't want me to be in distraction, and He is trying to help me take that next step towards making my dreams become a reality. As I said, that's AR's take on things, and I have to admit, it has a sort of appealing logic to it.

So, today I had another healing, and once again the session ended with AR giving me a very specific homework assignment: believe that I *am* a travel writer, that traveling and writing about my travels is something I do, then from a place of absolutely believing it is going to happen, write out (with paper and pen) what I am going to do when I step up and start living my dream.

Honestly, I don't know when such a simple thing as daydreaming became so difficult, but trying to force myself to write out a little adventure synopsis, I literally felt like I was going to vomit every time the pen came near the paper, and I fought back tears as I wrote, scribbled things out, futzed around on the internet, wrote, scribbled things out, wrote some more... Spain just wasn't feeling like a yes, and after a few more false starts, I finally struck on something that really feels solid: my guide, Sidi al-Jamal, has a son & daughter-in-law living in Vienna, where his daughter teaches a bellydancing class that I have heard is run like a women's zowwiya (prayer retreat).

So there it is, my first step. Go to Vienna, join the bellydancing zowwiya, and write about everything I experience. And since Vienna is right in the heart of Europe, it's not hard for me to imagine hopping on a train to Prague or Budapest, or any of the other fantastically romantic destinations I spent my life dreaming about, until whatever day it was that I forgot how to dream.