That night opened a door or two for me: but above all else, it was a great learning experience for me. For it taught me (and rather sadly) that the fear of failure had essentially stopped me from putting myself out there ... from trying.  The safety of living in the fantasy was so deliciously comfortable and warm that I created many elaborate excuses to not pursue my dream.  And there I was, 29 years old ... quivering like a wreck in a small village sports hall, nervously taking the mic for the very first time - having bypassed so many opportunities, and in some (very limited) circles was now considered "too old" to pursue my dream as a singer.

That night was now nearly 3 years ago and I've come a long way since then - perhaps not on paper, but certainly emotionally.  My battle to overcome my fearful ways is an ongoing one and so powerful that for a very long time, I developed a sore throat whenever I sang two minutes of a song.  This lead me to various vocal tutors, and I even considered an ENT specialist - but ultimately it was a clever physiological response that I created through fear and to keep me in my warm, woolly haven of safety, of dreaming.  The possibility of greatness was far more alluring than the reality of trying. 

On paper, I've managed to sing at several jazz jams; learned the art of notating charts to my preferred key (and in a way so as not to p*** off elitist jazz musicians); sung at the Jamey Absersold School of Music, sung with various big bands, sung in pubs/restaurants and started accompanying myself on piano.  It's not bad for a full-time accountant and part-time Acupuncture student.  But I'm still a pretty frustrated singer and haven't quite got to where I want to be.  Perhaps the reason behind that, is that I'm not really quite sure where I want to go and in what direction. 

So, in a very weak moment a few months ago, I applied for the non-televised equivalent of "X-Factor".  Yessir. After years of berrating the X-Factor for its formulaic, money-spinning, "instant-coffee" notion of talent, I found myself merrily signing on the dotted line.  Why?  Yes why indeed.   My voice is by no means the Amy-Winehouseesque flavour of the month ... in fact, my voice is well pretty vintage really and my musical tastes are pretty varied.  I'm certainly too old and a weighty UK size 10 for the girl band option (thankfully) and well ... I'm different.  I'm certainly no mass-market product.

And last night's X-Factor episode really draws home this point: these TV talent contests simply do not nurture talent.  Look at poor Leon Jackson, 2007's X-Factor winner.  He won the show with his performances of Michael Buble's re-inventions of the swing era.  Sadly, he's not allowed to record these songs, because they don't appeal to the masses (and the royalties of these well known songs would probably be too much of a profit dent in Simon Cowell's pocket). 

One year on and his very first TV performance in months was in front of what will be essentially be this year's winner - his biggest rival for the Xmas number one.   He gave a very stilted and uncomfortable performance: he was visibly crippled with nerves.  Why?  Onsite blogs seem to revel in their "I always thought he was crap anyway" comments: but in reality, its because he has not developed his artistry organically.  He's been plucked out of his home town in his teens, and pummeled to overnight nationwide stardom and a number one Xmas single.  There is nowhere for Leon to go but down.  Who is going to care about this poor lad, a few years down the line when his CD is in the bargain basement at HMV?  Where's Michelle McManus now? 

I digress. When I arrived for my audition, there were so many hopefuls, dolled up wandering around the hotel reception.  Some nervous young teenagers clinging hopefully to their parents.  For every Leon Jackson, there are thousands upon thousands of other hopefuls, whose musical dreams hinge upon these narrowly defined talent shows.  I ended up singing in front of three judges - just a couple of lines of "God Bless the Child".  At the end of my offering, one of the judges told me to really "dirty the song up".  Nice.  Particularly as its a song which is considered both "sacred and profane" (see Will Friedwald's book:  Jazz Singing: America's Great Voices from Bessie Smith to Bebop and Beyond)  lamenting the fact that religious belief seems to have no effect on people's behaviour, and that you're goddamn lucky if you've got your own money.  It was a rather inspired song choice in retrospect - perhaps I should have amended the lyrics: "God Bless the auditionee who's got his own self-esteem".  And I guess that's why I'm giving it a shot.  I'm 31 now - and I've had enough life experience and musical experiences, to know deep down that win, loose or draw - this talent competition won't make any difference to my musical aspirations or to me as a person.  Sure I might get a bit of a knock, but I'm strong enough in myself to take it.

So to cut a long story short: I got through.  Yay  me.  I get to sing in the regional finals - of which there are about 20 odd competitions and I think 1 person from each gets to sing in the finals.  The voting procedure is pretty suspect, not least from the fact that Jane MacDonald from the Cruise; Cheryl Baker; and a few other non-entities are doing the judging - but also from the fact that I have to sell tickets and that the audience also gets to vote.  I've emailed the organisers for more specifics, but well from the woolly answers I received - your guess is as good as mine, although I'm sure the sound "ch-ching" was the primary motivation.

I still don't know if I'll actually go for it in the regional finals ... a stand against these formulaic TV talent shows, or another clever psychological avoidance tactic?  Hmmm, your guess is as good as mine ... watch this space :-)

Depressed?  Lonely?  Heart-broken? 

Burned out?  Stressed?

Can't resolve conflicts?  Have problems with anger?

Feel inferior?  Shy?  Anxious?  Confused?

What can counseling do for you?

            Counseling can help you lead more effective and satisfying lives.  You can seek counseling for specific problems or life issues, or coaching to improve some things in your life.  At PowerVision, a counselor will help you set your own goals for counseling or coaching.  Generally, we will not give you advice or solve problems for you. Rather, we will guide you as you think through your problems, sort out your feelings, gain understanding, or make decisions.  We place great importance on your growth and empowerment.  We use a variety of psychological counseling methods and techniques, depending on our assessment of your needs. 

Group counseling may be appropriate for two or more people who want to improve their relationship or sort out interpersonal conflicts.  However, all members of the group should agree to go for counseling on their own volition. We will not arbitrate conflicts but only try to facilitate communication between parties.

You can have individual sessions every week or every two or three weeks, for about 50 minutes per session.  Group sessions may be 50 minutes to 1.5 hours.  The number of sessions varies with your case.  You can aim to have regular sessions for two to three months and then assess your way forward with the counselor.

Confidentiality

            What you say and do in the sessions will be kept strictly confidential.  Information concerning you will not be shared with other persons without your permission.  You need to know, however, that if ever there is reason for us to believe that you are likely to do significant harm to either yourself or another person, then it is our professional responsibility to notify appropriate persons or authorities.

Client’s Freedom and Responsibility

Success in counseling will depend largely on your hard work.  We expect your cooperation and commitment to our sessions, and any homework assignments we may give you.  You have the ultimate responsibility for your growth!

Contact Jean at powercounseling@gmail.com to make an appointment or inquire about schedules, fees, and other details.

ASSERTIVENESS AND WORLD PEACE

What do you do when:

• A friend insists on chatting with you but you want to do something else?
• A family member borrows money for the n^th time but you don’t know how to refuse?
• A neighbor is having a very noisy party at 3 am and you can’t sleep?
• A co-worker steals your idea and gets credit for it?

Some people will just let the situation pass, for fear of offending others.  They swallow the hurt and develop pent-up anger and resentment.  This is a passive style of relating.  Passive behavior may lead you to feel powerless and frustrated. 

Others would try to intimidate others to get the upper hand.  They would retaliate forcefully when offended.  They would try to control people and situations before they get controlled by others.  This aggressive style of relating tends to hurt others in the process, and the aggressive person may feel alienated from others.

Assertive behavior aims to preserve the dignity and self-respect of both parties.  You can learn to be assertive by remembering that both you and the other person have equal value as human beings.  You will not allow yourself to be trampled upon, nor will you attack the dignity of the other person.  You can express your feelings and opinions when offended, but you will do it in such a way that will not hurt the other person.  You can try to get your way without denying others the right to express their ideas.

I have counseled many people who struggle with family conflicts or strained friendships because they do not know how to assert themselves.  They bottle up their resentments or lash out in anger when hurt.  Practicing assertive behavior will enable you to experience more satisfaction in your business, social and family relationships.  If everyone in the world were assertive, it will certainly be a more peaceful world!  Let’s start with ourselves and our circle of influence!

Do these two words even go together?  When we think of an assertive person, we usually envision someone confident and self-assured, while our image of a humble person is someone low-key and self-effacing. 

But assertiveness requires a confident sort of humility.  True humility entails knowing and accepting your capabilities and limitations, your strengths and weaknesses, your wisdom as well as your ignorance.  Assertiveness may involve volunteering your expert opinion even when you are not asked, or offering help in doing something you do well. Assertiveness may also involve saying “No, I don’t have time to do that” or “I don’t know much about that” or even “I made a mistake!”.

Moses was a great leader, but there was a time when he didn’t know how to say “No”.   He worked from morning till evening acting as judge for the Israelites who had disputes among themselves.  With over 2 million people to serve, Moses was getting burned out.  But eventually he had the humility to admit that he couldn’t do it all, and he accepted his father-in-law’s advice to appoint other judges and delegate the work. 

Do you tend to accept additional work when you already have your hands full?  Do you find yourself reluctantly doing favors for friends and family?  Do you feel pressured to know all the answers and solutions people expect from you?   Some people are in these situations because they feel a need to present a better image … a perfect image.  Humility is accepting yourself as you are.  This will enable you to assert yourself even at times when you have to acknowledge your limits. 

Assertiveness is not just about responding to others assertively, but also about initiating.  It’s about being comfortable and spontaneous in expressing what you think and feel.  If you have not been expressing your love to those you care about, could it be because ….

… you’re afraid of rejection?

… you feel the other person doesn’t care about you, because you’re not worthy?

… you’re waiting for the other person to approach you?

… or you simply have a lifelong habit of not expressing yourself?

Whatever the reason, remember that you are a masterpiece of God and that your feelings are important.  Take a risk and express yourself … most likely, you will get a positive response!

Marriage expert Dr. Gary Chapman describes five “languages of love”.  Which of these do you think your loved one would love to receive?

1. Words of affirmation:  praise and affirm your loved ones.  Tell them you appreciate their good qualities or the things they have done.
2. Touch:  give a hug, an embrace, a kiss, or a pat on the shoulder – whatever is appropriate for the person, time and place. 
3. Time:  do something together, have a meaningful conversation, or just hang out.
4. Service:  do something practical that your loved one would appreciate … it could be as simple as making coffee for him or driving a hundred kilometers for her!
5. and of course – Gifts:  they don’t have to be expensive, but something that would make your loved ones realize that you really thought about them! 

Enjoy loving in this season of love, and remember the best part … God loves you!

Many people struggle to assert themselves because they are confused about their emotional boundaries.  As physical boundaries define your property, emotional boundaries define who you are.  It separates what you own from what others own.  It sets limits … it defines where you end and where others begin.  People with mixed-up boundaries may end up being passive or aggressive.

In their book, “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life” (OMF Literature Inc, 2004), Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend list several areas that make up a person’s boundaries.  Among those I find particularly tricky for Filipinos are:

o        Attitudes and beliefs.  If you often cave in to the pressure you feel from others, perhaps you are trying to be responsible for what they believe is right.  It is a belief that belongs to another person’s property, and yet you live your life as if that belief belonged to you.  For example, you may avoid friendship with a person because your “barkada” thinks that person is not cool.  Or you may feel compelled to spend the holidays with your family because your parents expect that every year.  Know what you believe in and try to live by them!

o        Feelings.  If you deny your feelings, then you would not be able to express them.  You put yourself in danger of having others dominate you, and then you end up resentful but don’t quite know why.  On the other hand, if you do not take responsibility for your negative feelings, you may blame others and be aggressive with them … like throwing your garbage across your neighbor’s fence.  Are you often angry or irritated with other people?  Instead of thinking that “they made me feel bad”, own up and say “I feel bad” or “I feel angry”.  Others may have done something bad to you, but you can choose how you react.

o       Limits.  Everyone has limits in terms of resources, capabilities, tolerance, and so on.  You must assess what your limits are and live by them.  What do you do when a family member asks you for money you can’t spare? Or when a colleague chats with you too long when you are beating a deadline?  You must also respect the limits of others.  Do not demand that other people give you what you ask for, or try to control their behavior, and then get frustrated when they can’t meet your expectations.

To help you be assertive, identify, own, and take responsibility for what’s within your boundaries.  And let others take responsibility for theirs.  Assertive living means mutual respect!

Having bipolar or depression or whatever is a curse and a blessing. Sometimes those of us who are touched by mental illness are more sensitive to things, to others. We see things that sometimes others don't see. We feel things differently. At the same time that kind of sensitivity makes us more susceptible to stress because we feel things internally like it is happening to us, like their feelings are almost our own. I feel this way with people I am close to especially.

My cousin is going through a rough time. She has much going on. But I also see the negative, self-destructive behavior. I tried to talk to her about it. Tried to warn her. But she doesn't see it as negative or self-destructive, she sees it much differently. To her it's all about right now, about not feeling alone, about having someone there, and without someone there she can't function. She is co-dependent and I know the signs, I have had the tendency to be co-dependent myself. Sometimes it is a learned behavior and sometimes it's a poor coping skill, but whatever the root cause of it is it is not a good thing.

I love my family, extended family and all, but sometimes we want so badly to help our loved ones that we enable them and I won't do it anymore. I won't tell white lies so I don't hurt other's feelings or so I can avoid confrontation. I won't lie for fear of disappointing or angering someone I love. Not anymore. So I told her the truth. I told her that she would be right back in the pain, loneliness, dispair, and being miserable if she didn't stop and take some time to be alone...to get things together in her life.

Being honest is sometimes hard, but I am finding that it is liberating and empowering. I feel so much more vulnerable. I've found that it is better to confront things than to avoid them. People evade the truth, tell white lies, tell outright lies, avoid the truth, stay in denial, and tell half-truths. While soul-searching over the summer I finally faced my own denial, the lies I'd been telling myself and how much I needed to finally come clean with myself.

Talking with my cousin I realized how easy it is to see what we want to see rather the truth. She doesn't see the truth because she doesn't want to see the truth. I opened my eyes because I knew that if I didn't things in my life were never going to get better, I'd never get my life on track and together, and no matter what I did or who I tried to be with. I was miserable lying to myself, miserable when I lied to those I love, and the guilt and shame ate at me. It tore me up inside.

Since then I have been honest with myself, honest with others, and finding my way through when honesty hurts but it's the best policy...She (my ex) has always asked me for honesty...I have been honest with her about much but I wasn't honest with her about all. Don't get me wrong, I didn't cheat on her-I don't even notice others she is IT for me, but I did lie about spending money, about overdraft charges. I lied to myself about how things were going and how I was, so I was lying to her about it as well. I was overwhelmed with all the deaths in my family, missing my children like crazy, and afraid because the company I was working for was closing. All the stress in my life was triggering episodes but I was in denial. Admitting I'd spent money impulsively and had overdraft fees meant admitting I wasn't okay. Not being okay would have made her worry. Making her worry about my sanity would not be a good thing, especially after all she'd been through. I just couldn't see that she worried more because she knew something was going on she just didn't know what...she knew I wasn't doing as well as I was letting on only I couldn't see it.

I love her and I love my kids. I wanted to be more than I had been, I wanted to be more period. I knew that the only way I could do that was to be honest with myself. I have bipolar. I need to stay on medication. I need therapy. I need to learn better ways to cope with things. I need to be honest with my loved ones no matter what. I need to be honest with myself no matter what. Having bipolar is not an excuse to do stupid shit like spend money impulsively, but it's important that people understand it's a disorder and the symptoms mean something is wrong.

My cousin has bipolar too. Right now she's not doing so well, and I see the symptoms. I'm going to talk to her again, see if I can get her to go to the doctor tomorrow. I am hoping she will, she needs to.

A secular counselor tells us to look to ourselves as the source of our filling, "Love yourself, forgive yourself, accept yourself." On the other hand, christian counselor tells us, "you must seek to feel accepted by Jesus so he can be your the source of your affirmation and love." Perhaps the christian counselor's sounds better - but this is not the gospel.  Wimpy theology leads to wimpy answers to real problems.

Ed Welch in When People Are Big and God is Small says, "When psychological needs rather than sin are seen as our primary problem, not only is our self understanding affected, but the Gospel itself is changed...Jesus did not die to increase your self esteem...the cross deals with our sin problem, our spiritual need."

A shallow theology that says Jesus died so that our empty, sad, rejected, unloved "cups" could be filled leaves us longing for the wrong things in God.

So, I promise I will blog some quality stuff soon.

Megan and I went to see So You Think You Can Dance the tour on Friday. It was awesome. I took some great pics and video--you'll get a blog on that soon.

I have started Christmas shopping...can't afford to do it all at once, so I've started picking up things here and there on-line. I think I've bought too much at once already though! I have to stop until payday.

My pervert neighbor across the street called me over to confront me on information he was given about me telling someone that he was hitting on me a long time ago.  He said he was furious. In the midst of our conversation, which was very uncomfortable, he told me he and his wife have spiced up their marriage by swinging.  To answer your next question, no, he did not proposition me. Thank God!

I was fingerprinted today for the adoption. I paid $50 for the pleasure.

I took T and L to the doctor today for their adoption physicals. They're there so often that they think they live there. You should see them run around the office--through the halls, back behind the receptionists' desk, the file room. We were waiting over an hour, and I pretty much chased and fought with them the entire time. It was fun.

I want Jenny Craig to pay me to be a spokesperson for them. They can do commercials and everything. It's not fair they just choose celebrities for the commercials--how about feature a real person with a real life and real families to deal with?

I have a gigantic pimple--it wasn't gigantic until I picked and picked at it. I don't want to go to work with it tomorrow.

Tonight when I went outside to take the trash out (I wish I had a guy to do that stinky job for me), I realized it was a really nice, calm, quiet evening. So, I decided that I would go sit outside in my backyard to enjoy it. I didn't want to turn the light on and attract mosquitoes, so I went out in the dark, tripped over some toy, stubbed my toe on the stone, and finally sat on the plastic chair out there. I sat there about five minutes in the dark, staring at the kiddie pool I need to empty, pop, and throw away and feeling like a weirdo for sitting there. My toe was throbbing, my butt was uncomfortable in the chair, and I could hear T from outside singing in his bedroom. I went back inside.

Work is sucking hardcore right now...I have all kinds of great kids and great, supportive parents. But the ones that are pains in my rear are really making life difficult right now.

I need to start that eleven day diet! I may need to wait until pay day though.

Alrightie...there's my mind dump for this evening.

I'm a Cancer, but I also read Scorpio, Sagittarius, Aries, Libra and Capricorn sometimes too since my family and closest friends are those signs.  Or I just read a person's who I'm thinking about.

But lately I've been desiring positivity in my life, and good friends.  Nothing much more specific.  I've also been trying to exude my positive outlook on to others.  I have been wanting to expand my circle.  So I was pleasantly surprized today when I met some cool guys, two who live in my complex, and one who I see in the Art & Design Building all the time.  I think also I've just been more open, so people have felt comfortable to approach me.  I get along with guys easier so I guess that's why most of my newest friends have been guys lately.  I'm just really excited, I dunno I'm happy.  Really happy.  Things aren't perfect and I've flubbed up somethings, but I feel like everything's gonna turn out wonderful.  I'm gonna end up happy in the end.

Also I think Robert Schwartzman is the end all be all, and I'm def. desiring adding him to my list.

Goodnight.

We tend to think in a line.  My partner attacks and I block then I attack back then I wait for my partner to counter attack.  Neither of us are thinking past the present moment.

But when I ski down the mougle slope I am always looking 3-5 turns ahead of myself.  Perhaps I should be doing this in sparring also.  As my parnter is attacking I am now thinking way past the simple block and counter attack about to follow.  I am thinking about letting it flow continuously.  I am thinking several steps ahead of the present moment.

One way I can describe it is like a jet liner goes on auto-pilot.  It lets the computer maintain stability and keep the airliner level and moving forward on course.  The computer makes the minior adjustment along the way in realtime.  Similarly when I spar I need to move into this same realtime auto pilot mode and really let it flow.

When I did this time seemed to slow down and I felt my emotions relax and I felt calmer although I was actually moving faster!

Very amazing training experiences!

We are all so very fortunate to have our founder Great Grandmaster Tae Yun Kim sharing these inner Ki power training experiences with us.

Three cheers for Great Grandmaster Tae Yun Kim! 

Hip hip Horray!  Hip hip Horray!  Hip hip Horray!

Rock Out!

-Roy

And I want to share wth you the fundamental aspect of parenting.  You guessed it.  it is love.  Not too surprising, except when you think about how many times you mix up hate into it.  For instance, when you find your kids annoying, irritating, overwhelming.  When your let them know what a brat they are being. When you know that they are driving you crazy.  

You are letting hate in and using it as your parenting guide when you are so stressed out by what to do that you can't sleep at night.  Or maybe you scream at your kids.  You may even ridicule your kids.  Or you may hit, slap, or spank them.

And worse than all these you may ignore your kids.  

This day and everyday this week remember that you do love your kids. Keep a little running count of each time you feel love towards your kids.  This can be a simple tally on the fridge.  

By taking the time to truly notice and make a mark of loving your children, you will bring your focus back to the true essential nature of parenting.

Be sure to parent with passion, purpose, and integrity

The thing is, it's impossible for everyone to like you. Worse still, when you're me, very few (I repeat) very few people will truly like you. I am learning this, and getting used to it, and I have actually stopped trying so hard. The thing is, this me. Very few people are interested in the real me, and I'm not about to change the outside, it's part of me.

The best I can do is improve what I don't like about me. I can't keep up with everyone's standards because honestly speaking, the crowds are fickle. I don't have to pretend to be modest about what I have achieved because truly speaking, I have achieved a lot. Sure Bill Gates was a billionaire at my age, there are other younger people who have achieved way more than I have, but I refuse to compare my success with any other person's. Fact is, I am successful, and anyone with a problem with it can take a hike for all I care.

Something that really bugs me is people who belittle other people's achievements. I mean, sure you're up there, and I'm down there, but you don't have to make me feel little. Even if all I did was finish high school, that would still count for something. I have achieved a lot, and no one will ever convince me otherwise.

The other thing, I always try to be the person mending relationships. Someone goes all cold on me, and I'm out there trying to find out what went wrong, and examining whether I did something wrong to cause it. I'm done always reaching out. If you don't feel like being my friend, thats cool. If I did something wrong or there is something about me you don't like, and you're not 'man' enough to tell it to my face, then I don't need you in my life. I don't need people who will never tell me 'Pink M I don't like the way you do this this and that'. I'm done fixing me.

They say no man is a mountain and I agree with them fully. Sure I'm no mountain, but that don't mean I have to be buddy buddy with everyone. I have a few friends who guide me in the areas where I need guidance. I don't need to sit and moan about how boyfriends are a headache, or go partying every Saturday just so I 'have a life'. And the next person who tells me to get a life, I'm going to punch them on the face! This is my life, and I'm happy with it. I work, go home, watch TV, sleep, hang out with my family, have a lunch or two with a friend every fortnight, hopefully join a gym soon, and read a lot. That is a lot of life. Who defines what 'a life' is anyways?

Sure I can change the movable parts, but I can't change the frame of who I am. That is here to stay and if you don't like it, then I'm sorry.

I was complaining about it to Michael when one of the aides came into the room. I'm always nice to the aides and the techs because they are always humoring Michael and joking with him and respecting him (he wore his Vietnam Vet hat most of the time and one guy called him a hero...it made my eyes water). She said to me, "You're very assertive, I've heard you, but you conduct yourself with dignity and fight for him with a fierceness I've never seen before."

I have to admit that some of the medical staff might quibble about the dignity part but I think I've maintained it (not easily...sometimes the Bronx kid was coming out BIGTIME but I would pull back on the reigns).

So here's the "Person of Dignity" post: