recently, i was was forced to end the distance between my body and myself (an artificial separation at best). i carry a lot of my weight in my mid and upper body. in other words, i am top heavy, which puts strain on my lower back. though i'm sure it's not the whole cause, i made a drive to and from columbus (about 4 hours each way) one weekend, and my lower back hasn't been the same since. it's beyond a minor ache or pain; sometimes it hurts so much i can't move from one position to the next (sit, stand, lay), or i might limp because i've also pinched my sciatic nerve, or i might simply refrain from any kind of bending motion because of the insane pressure and tightness i feel all through my lower back and occasionally my right leg.

because the pain was so intense, and so persistent, i really had to rethink how i was handling my body. i went to a doctor who wanted to inject steroids into my spine to reduce swelling of nerves, and i balked from that treatment. not because i'm afraid of needles or those kinds of procedures, but because it seemed like a solution to a symptom, rather than the root of the problem. additionally, i would have preferred to seek out less invasive procedures and consider the injection a last resort.

so i began really thinking about my (mis)use of my body. i'm so not one of those people who is interested in being skinny or athletic. those things sound about as appealing to me as cleaning rain gutters. i did however, want a body that was more in line with my perception of myself so that the disconnect between me and the mirror wouldn't be so great. i would also want a body that was more capable of activity than it was at the time. i live on the third floor, and i would like, for example, to climb those stairs (half wells, at that) without being winded.

the body project i embarked on was two-fold. having very little interest in gym membership and sweating at large, i purchased a beginner's yoga DVD. the yoga poses, in addition to stretching out my back and developing strong "core" muscles, focus on regulating breathing, which seemed like a good approach to the winded issue previously mentioned. yoga has surprised me immensely. i feel more centered after a brief 30 minute yoga session, and my back problems really fade when i practice regularly, though they never completely disappear.

the second element was to lose some weight. not enough to be skinny because i'm rather fond of food and proud to claim a fat identity, but enough to relieve some strain on my back and look like the self i envisioned. i enrolled in weight watchers, which is a surprisingly easy, low maintenance, and fairly rational approach to eating. i'm not hungry, but not stuffed beyond movement. i don't cut out foods (cupcakes, donuts, and ice cream are frequent occurrences) but i don't eat them in excess. it's nice and i don't feel pressure. 

these measures have really brought my head back into my body. i feel closer to my body-better about how it feels, looks, and does. not in  a "so in love with myself way", but in an "acceptance of self" way.  i feel more focused and spiritually at rest than i have in many years. i'm shocked and pleased by how being more thoughtful about my physical self has given way to a general thoughtfulness. i have a lot of positive energy about my life and what i'm doing, which has been a satisfying change, given my discontent the past year or so. that peace, that happiness? indescribably amazing. and worth whatever hang ups about fatness, yoga, or dieting i had.

Confusing? Following a discussion on Zen Habits about this really has got me thinking about these concepts.

Discipline seems to be connected with doing things most people dislike e.g. getting up early, training everyday. And for doing things a prolonged time. “He gets up at 05.00 for 15 years, he really has discipline”.

Motivation however seems to be connected with the initial act. People first starting out with something are motivated to try something new or are motivated by someone.

But is there really a difference between the two or are they simply different sides of the same coin? I believe the latter and I also believe they are part of something else...inspiration.

Going with the coin analogy; motivation is heads, discipline tails and inspiration the coin itself.

I will try to explain my thoughtprocess. One must first be inspired to change, through inspiration you are motivated to take action and continious motivation leads to discipline.

One does not exclude the other, I will go as far to say that they excist because of each other.

Knowing this we can also understand why changing our habits can be so challenging. If one of these three essential components is incomplete or missing the whole chain will eventually break and this happens all too often. In order to successfully change we must pay attention to our inspiration, motivation and discipline. We need all three and we need to make sure they stay strong, we need to nourish them.

Inspiration- Try to recreate that feeling you first had when you realized something needed to change, keep that feeling strong and let it empower you.

Motivation - Read up on successful changes others have made, emulate others as they too change, keep your motivation alive.

Discipline - With strong motivation and inspiration discipline is easy, effortless. Others will want to emulate you because you make changing look easy.

However here lies the catch, it may look easy but you now know that in order to make it look easy you have to work hard at keeping your inspiration strong and your motivation alive. It will take constant effort in order to succeed.

One of the things I am criticized for is my always upbeat response to “How are you” I always respond with GREAT! People will ask, “How can you always be great, it just can’t be.” And in truth they are correct, sometimes it’s not great, sometimes it just horrible. But here is my philosophy on that:

What good will it do anyone? You or anyone else by stating the fact that you are not great, there is no value in it; no one gains anything from that statement. Be it fact or not, no value is served to you are anyone else.  So why burden someone with your issues? Why load them up with negative thoughts and ideas? And why would you want to carry that weight with you? So even when life is crap, wake up with a positive outlook, and tell everyone you meet that life is grand! And before you know it, life will be great. We project what we want. Project negative views on life and you will experience a negative life project a positive view on life, and it shall be.

Now I know that life happens, and that some days will be better than others, I also know that life is not always great, but so what. Sure some days your life will be crap, even when you are projecting positive views of life, such is life.

Positive energy, positive projection is the key to a healthy life, but don’t take my word for it, look it up, People with a positive outlook on line, live longer healthier and more productive lives. So for me it’s a sure thing, think positive and look at life as a blessing and always be thankful for what you have. I have a grasp on reality, I know that bad things happen in life, I know the world is not perfect, and I know that life happens. But with my outlook on life, it can happen all it wants, and to the best of my ability I will not allow it to bring me down. I will be thankful for the opportunity to allow life to happen to me, knowing that I have some control over my life, and others in this world do not.

I saw a sign this past weekend, I should have gotten it, and it read:

“I complained about my shoes hurting, than I met a man with no feet”

Makes you go Hmmm…. Don’t it.  There is always someone worst off than I, so who am I to complain. So ask yourself, is life really that bad?

Paul

Stewing over problems is not healthy and will lead to us becoming less focused on the tasks ahead. The best way to deal with problems is to allow yourself a healthy way to vent. One idea is too keep a journal each morning where you can express all of your feelings. This may sound like a huge task, but all you need to do is get up perhaps 15 minutes earlier each day. Simply write anything for that time, close the notebook and get on with your day.

Writing down your thoughts can be a great way to stop them from interfering with your life.

Moody Monday is a weekly feature that gives you simple tips that can improve your life step by step and help you face the coming week…

Merrit Malloy

In the two weeks I have been here, I have watched the first three seasons of Desperate Housewives. Quickly consider the fact that I do not have friends here. Now consider this. I dream only of the characters on DH.  Some nights they are my friends, other nights I'm simply the director of an unaired episode.  This may be a cry for help.  I want to be a functioning human being again! The kind I have spent most of my thinking years arguing is not actually functioning at all.  I want to be trapped in a cubicle all day working like a donkey just to get by.  Yeah, you heard me, I'll take it.

Occasionally I wonder what makes us this way.  Why we can't be happy when we're still.  We have such an unusual nature.  But I won't take that thought any further, it might get me into trouble.

We all do some things just for the sake of doing something.  Some grow beards.  Some spend unreasonable amounts of money on unnecessary things.  Some go vegetarian (or is that just me?).  Call it what you will, sometimes we do things without conscious reason.  When I'm not sitting here wishing I had something important to do, I'm actually doing something of importance.  For example, writing an essay about why I want an MBA.  It's a tough act when all the writer has to say is, "because it makes sense."  This is the first sensical thing I will have ever done. (If I do it.)  Graduate school scares me, but a room full of people interested in spending the rest of their lives in business scares me more.  I need to stop doing things for the sake of doing something.  For God's sake, this one's a biggie.

"Age is not important unless you're a cheese."

How much are you willing to spend on food? For people who love food or even fine dining, they won't bat an eyelid when it comes to spending hundreds of dollars on a meal. But I'm sure there is a limit to how much they are willing to spend on food alone.

When times aren't that good and a cheaper alternative presents itself to whomever it is applicable to, people just succumb to it.

Though I agree one should pamper him/herself once in a while, I'd like to think that being able to differentiate between the wants and needs would be much more important.

Apart from food, there are other stuff in life which people do hanker go after, especially when you have the spending power. Just to name a few - branded handbags, shoes, clothes and even watches (oops). Well, it's only human nature to want more (does that count as greed?).

Though it's not exactly a must to own branded stuff, I guess sometimes, peer influence do play a part in one's action of purchasing branded stuff. Not to mention, 人往高处爬. To put it simply, once you have already "level up", there can only be one direction, that is to go up further.

Hmmm others who like to travel won't mind paying a substantial amount of money for the experience and memories of being overseas. The memories end up being priceless after the trip, but isn't it ironic if you read the above action as "paying money for priceless memories"?

Ok, some might disagree with the way I make my inference; but I have to admit that there were indeed times when I feel the irony. Nevertheless, if at the end of the day, everybody is happy, then I guess the amount of money spent would be justifiable.

If given a choice to go on a trip or to get a gadget of my choice (both are of equivalent value), I'd definitely pick the latter.

Going on a trip would be nice, e.g. graduation trip - but truth be told, I don't exactly see the hype of and a need for it. Perhaps a short holiday would suffice; but I cannot go without gadgets (despite them being wants). Ha. Typical guy here huh? :P

Without much hesitation, I dare say that I'll opt for the gadget. No doubt, I can get the gadget anytime after working for a few months or so. But I'm rather impatient about getting gadgets. If I want it, I must have it ASAP.

But no worries, I'll definitely live and spend within my means; as I still believe that "ca$h i$ king".

Some quick logistics: there's a website called futureyou.org which allows you to write emails that will be sent in the future, and of course, the good old fashioned postal service will always offer future you the rare gift of a personal letter through the post - a rarer and rarer thing!

Anyway, what was interesting about this excellent programme (you can listen to it for the next week through the station's website) was how people reacted to their own selves. "I was shallow / naive / smart", for example. Or they predict what they "will be".

One man said to himself, "You're 27 and an artist today. But when you read this, you'll be considering business school. Are you a sell-out, or were you naive?" Fascinating.

Like writing a diary / journal, I think the very exercise creates another level of consciousness: it makes you see your life (current or future if you're writing; current and past if you're reading) through an altering lens.  I use this when I can't make a decision easily, or am stuck with a problem. I put 7-year (or 17-year-) old me on one shoulder, and 70-year old me on the other, and I ask them what they think.

Would the former be disappointed in, or excited for, me? The latter: would she tell me not to be such a chicken, not to be so cautious, never to have regrets? And yours for you?

You look at your coffee getting cold and the dark screen of your phone.
At that instant your phone blinks, as if by telepathy and you are jolted to the present.
But but that thought remains at the sub conscious level.. urging you to probe deeper for the pearls of truth. Deeper to find the karmic or the cosmic connection.

Ad was poster for Oasis' new album.

Pic to to follow as this is my first post from the iPhone & I'm not that advanced yet.

I woke up one night, at oh-mumble-hundred AM, stressing out about work stuff... and after dealing with the stress, had a minor epiphany just as I was going back to sleep. To articulate it in any but the most banal terms I'll probably need to explain where I was coming from.

It's been hard for me to perceive how much I've expected of myself and how much self-control I've felt I've needed: after all, I've been so accustomed to the expectations that I've become blind to them. It is strange and disorienting to start questioning those self-conceptions. To quote Matrix, "You think that's air you're breathing?"

I think that my interest in BDSM is linked to both the expectations themselves and the need to question them, which is somewhat disorienting in itself... There seems to be a cliche in popular culture of a successful, over-achieving politician or businessman visiting a professional dominatrix for humiliation and pain, to release the tensions of his demanding job. The point seems to be the dichotomy of the two implied roles: successful and dominant in work, craving punishment in private. While this image is offputting in a number of ways, there is some truth in it for me.

One of the payoffs of BDSM for me is the potentially transformative nature of it. Giving over control of myself, even in limited degree, is liberating. I've been so used to the perfectionist demands of my super-ego that it's difficult/rewarding to hand over the authority to make demands, to let someone else choose on which criteria I'll be evaluated and how to apply them. But (and this is an important but) I think this works for me because it is limited in time and purpose. In giving over that authority I gain a better understanding of it and of myself, and I use the process to question the demands I'm so used to placing on myself. For me this seems to require deliberation in the power dynamics and the transitions into and out of them.

(From what I've read I suspect that at least for some people identifying as 24/7, such transitions would rather defeat the point of the power dynamic. They prefer to keep their power dynamic stable within the context of the relationship, and I suspect this is related to their payoffs (even when transformative in nature) being in some way different from the ones I seek. I might be full of hot air here, though.)

So what was the epiphany? In simplest terms, I think this: in aiming to relax the expectations I place on myself, I have no wish to give over the authority to place them, or to place them on others. Instead, I wish to learn how to let go of the need for expectations, by playing with them and by choosing them mindfully.

Just started teacher training (primary).  It's weird being a student again.  I'm spending a lot of time annoyed about things.  Which indirectly explains the lack of blogging from me.  My course is very focused on 'reflective learning'.  A continuous process of evaluation, so that you constantly improve the quality of your teaching.  That in itself I have no problem with.  But this is an analytical process.  Not, as they keep trying to persuade me, an emotional one.  I had to find an image that best expressed reflection to me.  This helps me how?  My tutor often pontificates in this vein.  I've lost track of how many uni blogs I've had to do.  Titles like 'RE and me'.  It's driving me round the fucking bend, and I know at some point fairly soon I'm going to snap verbally tear someone a new asshole.  Plus I'm all blogged out.

The other thing that's getting to me is the fact that all of my tutors seem to be modelling best primary practice in their lectures to me.  But I'm not five years old.  So I'm feeling ever so slightly patronised.  And annoyed.  This course is doing my blood pressure no favours.  Still, only a year.  I can last that long without shoving someones head through a computer screen.  Right?

I was going through a rough time. I felt a little crazy, insane, and I wanted to get past it all-let the past go. I wrote a post about why I named the blog the previous name "Musings of an insane ex with bipolar" but this blog is about changing it.

I am a lesbian. I am more than an ex. I have bipolar but I am not bipolar. After seeing her Friday and coming back Saturday I knew that I was more and will always be more than the insane ex...

Today she came home from Florida-she spent the weekend with her dad, step-mom, and step-brother. Brought back a digital camera that they gave her for her birthday with lots of pictures of her and her dad. Wow! For a second it was hard looking at them-I remembered taking pictures of her with her dad when she turned 1. How much he loved her. How hard things were in our marriage. How unhappy I was with all the problems, with his attitude about marriage...I had all of these hopes and dreams and I was beginning to feel like nothing was ever going to get better. I had no idea at the time that part of the reason I was so miserable wasn't just because of my (now ex) husband's attitude about marriage and the problems we were having.

I knew when I was in the first grade that I was different. I remember kissing a classmate named Hope in the Art supply room...I found out quickly that that wasn't "normal." I was supposed to like boys. I liked boys just fine, even had a crush on one named Larry all through elementary school. But in middle school I became best friends with a girl named Candy. She was amazing. I was in love/lust.

So now I'm 3 decades older. Wow! And my daughter is about turn 17 on Tuesday. Time gets away from us and before we realize it we're 41 and our children are (almost) grown.

I remember being 17. Feels like it was forever ago. But I try to remember what it was like to be young, to remember having so much hope and energy, to want to prove myself, to feel like I had my whole life ahead of me. In some ways, I still feel some of that. Much has changed but some things have not.

When I look at my children I see a young man who is 20 years old but is still my first born and will always be my baby boy, and I see a young woman who is two days away from being 17 and will always be my baby and my girl. They are exceptional children. I couldn't have asked for better. They are smart, healthy, amazing individuals. As a parent it is extremely important to remember that are children are individuals.

Because I am a "non-traditional" parent my children have broader minds and they think outside the box-they were latch-key children, we moved a lot, I was/am a single parent, a lesbian who came out the closet at 31 (only a decade ago), and their dad is strict and conservative and is remarried-they both work a tremendous amount and live 4 hours away. So they haven't spent a whole lot of time with their dad and his other family.

His other family bothers my children.

As they get older they'll realize that we all have to do what we have to do in order to be happy, to find what makes us happy. Sometimes that means divorce, sometimes that means living a non-traditional lifestyle, sometimes that means going back to college when you're in your 30s or 40s or 50s, sometimes that means going to therapy, sometimes that means losing weight, sometimes that means taking time for yourself and going away for a weekend here or there, sometimes it means being true to yourself...whatever it means to one person might not be the same for another.

I am in love with a woman and have been for a decade. My ex husband is remarried. My children are (almost) adults. I am 41 and going back to college. I am looking for a job. I spent the whole summer soul searching and being honest with myself. The truth was somewhere in the middle, in the silences in between. I am not unhappy with my life. I believe things will get better.

It's been 6 months since the company I worked for closed...I need to find a job. And I need to find one soon. I am teaching my daughter to drive. I love life and I am living it one day at a time and looking forward to each day. Time is moments-life is about moments, as D is so fond of saying. I am treasuring each moment.

My Friday started off pretty tame: went to class, a lab meeting, and then on a 4 mile walk. I wore my workout gear to class because I just never do ANYTHING fitness oriented anymore, and I figured a walk was at least something. I made my way over to the Hartley gardens, needing some sort of pretty place to be my destination. They were looking especially beautiful. I relaxed for a bit, just chugging some water (it was a lot hotter outside than I expected) and taking photos of the gardens. On my way out I somehow agreed to help a student with a project regarding the arboretum and signed some forms (one of which said I was not "coerced" into helping...so yes...I was not coerced. I'm just incapable of saying no), was given a disposable camera, and had to take 15 pictures around the gardens and write explanations of "why" I took each picture. I thus did not get home until almost 2PM. Oh well...it really was nice to do something active before an evening of too much Kashi pizza and beer.

So yes, spent Friday night at Brothers with a lot of Adam's friends that came back for Homecoming (and wound up seeing Heather and two girls I work with in the lab) but went home early (aka midnight) when they switched locales and I wanted to get some stuff prepped for therapy. I (tipsily) printed out therapy materials before cutting myself off around 1:45AM to get some sleep before...

...Tailgating the next morning. Yep. I'm an alum, but this was my first tailgating experience. It seemed insane to drink/eat off the grill at 9AM, but I admittedly did wind up eating a hot dog around 10:30 whilst very slowly sipping a Bloody Mary. It was a good experience to have, but by the end I was just picturing all the academic stuff I should be doing (and of course did not care at all about the game) and beginning to panic. Sharing these kinds of experiences with a group of my own friends would probably be different (aka I would feel less awkward and clingy), but I've never really had a group of friends that tailgated (obviously, considering I've never done it).

I attempted productivity after tailgating, but pretty much failed. I napped, cleaned a bit, did some laundry, and pretty much completely avoided Neuro. Then it was time to go see Religulous at Boardman's Art Theatre with a few of the SLP girls, Adam, his two sisters (Charlotte and Janelle) + Janelle's boyfriend. I really enjoyed the movie. Bill Maher is definitely rude and extreme, but he made a lot of valid points. Ones that sometimes offended me (in spite of my serious doubts and occasional mockery of religion I'm not ready to deem myself an atheist), others that really rang true. Then again, if you live your life very connected to any faith/belief in God...I wouldn't particularly recommend it. It does basically describe religion as a mental disorder that is threatening to destroy our country...

Grabbed one drink at Guido's with my fellow SLP-ers after the movie ( a "Peach Me" martini--delicious) so that we could discuss the movie and avoid our grad school responsibilities for a bit longer. I went to bed early-ish (okay, 12:45) so that I could get up earlyish (okay, 9AM and then a zillion "snoozes" until it hit 10AM) to get to the lab and get studying. Getting to the lab happened...studying really did not (did finally finish my Syntax book, not that that means anything--don't really get a lot of the content).

This afternoon/evening I went to a local "corn maze" (Reindeer Ranch in Rantoul) with Adam, Janelle, Charlotte, and Jeanna. After a quick hay ride we made it into the maze, achieving victory (aka finding punches for 8 reindeer checkpoints) by 7PM. It was really nice to start to feel that "Autumn" atmosphere (caught sight of a few pumpkins: YAY!)...it feels like Champaign is taking forever to get all of its leaves changed to beauteous hues. We then went out to dinner at Ruby Tuesday's (had an avocado turkey burger...this has not been a healthy weekend), and now I am here...

...Avoiding neuro because the slides make absolutely no sense to me. Bye-bye, 35% of my grade.