Luckily for us, we have very good neighbours.

I was down in the corner of the filed last week when Marisse from across the road spotted me.

"Oh, you don't have a tractor?" she exclaimed in disbelief.

"No, just this little lawnmower," I said, indicating the little workhorse, "but it's OK, it is good exercise for us!"

"Your garden is too big!" she cried, and I agreed. "Next time you must use our tractor."

Those 7 words were some of the most welcome words I have heard for a long time.

So last week I popped over to find the tractor. Louis gave me some instructions how to work it and off I rolled. It took me a couple of attempts to get it up onto the field - slow and steady lost out to full-pelt in that little challenge - but I was soon whizzing round the field, laughing at the simplicity of it all, while trying hard to avoid badminton nets, pools and pear trees.

45 minutes. That's all it took. A measly 45 minutes. There were still some little areas that needed the old tondeuse, but I class a 75% reduction in grass-cutting time as a huge success and leaves us much more time to enjoy ourselves.

Job's a good 'un

One of the habits that Stephen Covey advocates in his book "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" is "Seek first to understand, then to be understood". If there is one piece of advice I would give anyone to deal effectively with difficult people, it would be this. It is an extremely simple concept on the surface. When we look deeper and ask ourselves whether we practice it, most of us would have to respond in the negative. We are more often than not, quick to use our frames of reference and perceive the situation solely from our own angles. Before we go about labeling individuals as difficult, it is important to first understand where they are coming from and what the main drivers behind their behaviors are? Only then, can we deal with the situation effectively.

Listed below are five steps to use as a mental checklist when dealing with a difficult person:

1. Understanding Personality Types: Identify the type of person you are dealing with, only then can you determine the best way to work with this person. It is important not to get frustrated during the exploratory  stage of the personality type. This is not the easiest of processes, keeping your cool and emotional quotient under control will help you reach the most effective way of dealing with them in the shortest period of time. To learn more about the different personality types please click here.

2. Understanding the Situation: Before jumping into an argument, take time out to listen to the other person. Understanding their perspective and position on a particular situation is important. Instead of pushing our judgements onto them, we need to give them adequate room to share their point of view with us. We also need to evaluate our attitude towards the type of person and situation. How do we react usually? Are we using any negative frames of reference which make matters worse? Lastly, we need to take into account any external factors which may have triggered the situation. To learn more about understanding the situation correctly please click here.

3. Mental Game Plan: Prior to initiating a conversation, we need to ensure a clear head. Next, develop a couple of critical points to focus on during the course of the discussion, to help reach a mutually agreeable decision. Keep a laser like focus on the type of end result you are looking for. Visualize it before hand if possible, this specific exercise has helped me greatly. To learn more about devising a mental game plan please click here.

4. Language & Tone: When dealing with a difficult person, we need to keep our language and tone in check. What usually happens is, when certain buttons are pushed we tend to go on autopilot, and respond in a manner which may not be optimal. Keeping a strict control on the choice of words, sarcasm and the tone in which to conduct a conversation is critical. To learn more about the proper use of language and tone in a such discussions please click here.

5. Emotional Control: This step is by far the most critical aspect of having an effective discussion with a difficult person. During the course of a heated discussion, our emotional thresholds are often breached. When such an event takes place it has the potential to trigger an adverse reaction. Hence, we need to be aware of our personal thresholds, and develop adequate responses when they are breached. To learn more about how to control one's emotions please click here.

This mental checklist has helped me deal with difficult people most effectively. In business we will often have to work with challenging individuals. The important thing is to keep one's focus, practice patience and work towards a mutually beneficial end goal. I would be very interested to hear about your experiences with difficult people and your comments on how you dealt with them. What were specific challenges? How did you overcome them? I look forward to hearing from you.

I have talked about the importance of emotional control in prior posts in this series. I think it deserves its own section as well because dealing with difficult people is an extremely challenging exercise without control. A lot has been written about the importance of emotional control in life. It is a key component and defines successful people who have an inherent ability or have cultivated one to shrug of nasty comments or asides without taking it personally. Not all of us possess the patience to react with poise and calm in difficult times. It is important to learn through mistakes we make when our threshold levels are tested. 

A couple of important factors to understand in how to effectively control one's emotions are:

1. Self Awareness: Whenever an event takes place in our life we interpret it cognitively, process it emotionally and take a particular action. Much of the time specific events trigger automatic emotional responses which may be a result of specific past experiences. Self awareness of automatic responses is vital to control our actions to the best of our abilities. This is a first step in taking greater control of our emotions.

2. Emotions & Value Systems: Stephen Covey has suggested in his book "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" that one must analyze our emotions through the lens of our value system, what we believe in, who we are and who we want to be. For example, if we believe in looking at the best in people and we encounter an individual who only looks for flaws, such an encounter may trigger a negative action. We need to constantly remind ourself of our beliefs and tailor our emotional responses accordingly.

3. Identify Thresholds: All of us have personal and emotional  threshold levels. When that threshold hold is reached, we can either stay in the conversation and tune out, leave the conversation and come back later or leave altogether. Depending on the situation and tolerance of threshold level, we can choose one of these three responses. It is important to make this decision in order to act in a manner keeping with our beliefs.

4. Personal Comments: During heated conversations with difficult people, be prepared to take some low blows. This is how the person is attempting to instigate a response to bring you to his/her level. All of us have points, which when pushed, can set us off. We need to learn control even when they are pushed, it is a small price to pay to reach an early agreement. If however the level of personal comments reach an unacceptable threshold level, we then need to take appropriate action.

Controlling emotions and behavior to the best of one's ability is a responsibility for each and everyone of us. It is much easier to be the person who flares up and goes on a raving rant, than to be the one who has the patience and emotional control to weather such flare ups. My journey as an entrepreneur presents  many such situations often on a daily basis, these require and help me to think through things with an emotionally balanced perception. The moment we let our emotions slip, we make decisions that could potentially be disastrous for future business.

One of the most important factors to keep in check during any verbal interaction is, language and tone of voice. This becomes all the more important when dealing with a difficult person, who may not be controlling his/her language and tone. Undoubtedly, this is a very difficult situation, and tests a person's patience and emotional threshold. However, one must remember, that if we fight fire with fire in such a situation it only goes from bad to worse. We need to remain committed to our mental game plan and make sure that we do not let our emotions get in the way. There will be times when you feel the verbal abuse and tone of voice is reaching unacceptable levels, this is where patience thresholds are severely tested. 

There are a couple of key factors one needs to pay attention to regarding language & tone:

1. Word Selection: During a conversation it is important to keep a strict check on the type of words used to get our point across. Words such as "never", "always", "fault", "accusation" , and any sort of verbal abuse must be avoided at all costs. These words act as instigators and tend to escalate the situation rather than resolve it. Remain specific, and keep sentences as short as possible.

2. Sarcasm: As we all know, the last thing you need to be doing in the course of such a conversation or situation is to bring sarcasm into it. This conveys we have little or no respect for the other person's point of view and our facetious remarks may intensify the situation. 

3. Tone: Choosing a derogatory manner of speaking will obviously have nasty repercussions in difficult situations. However, we tend to switch to this manner of speaking subconsciously when we feel we are superior to the other person. By taking such a stance we will not make any progress. Even if one is the boss, such a style will not only have a negative effect on this particular person but other staff members may begin to feel uncomfortable as well. It is important to approach such situations with kindness, this has an uncanny ability to diffuse tense situations.

In conclusion, the importance of remaining in control of ones language and tone, cannot be stressed enough. If not kept in check this tends to go on autopilot and has the potential to make things a lot worse. There will be times when it seems almost unbearable to deal with such situations while keeping ones cool. It is at times like these that our character is tested based on how we react under pressure. 

 Assessing personality types of difficult people, coupled with understanding the situation at hand, is essential to formulate a plan to deal with the situation in the most effective manner. Such planning helps steer conversation in a mutually agreeable direction. Without a plan and set goals in mind, we often get distracted during the course of conversations, emotions tend to complicate things further. It is therefore essential to make a habit to be mentally prepared for such occasions when we have the opportunity. If however we are confronted with a difficult person or situation by surprise, establishing key points and goals during the initial phase of the conversation is vital.

Some tips I find useful when preparing a mental game plan are:

1. Emotional Balance: First and foremost it is essential to understand the need to keep emotions in check. Without this, it is difficult to stick to any plan we develop, our emotions will get the better of us and we will in all probability do or say things we may regret. 

2. Key Points: It is beneficial to establish a couple of points to reiterate during the course of the conversation. These should be limited to around 3-4 points, and should help drive home our point of view. These points need to take into account the other person's perspective as well. This will enable and help us reach a consensus faster.

3. End Result: Before the conversation has even started, we need to visualize how we want it to end. Establish critical decisions or factors that need to be decided upon. Visualization has helped me achieve many goals I have set out to reach. It is a very powerful exercise and should be incorporated into many aspects of our daily lives.

Charting out a game plan places us many steps ahead of the other person during negotiations and discussion processes. It helps us remain focused on primary objectives, and charts a way to help us reach our goals. 

Once we have an idea of the specific personality types we are dealing with, the next step involves looking into a particular situation or event which may trigger a negative reaction. Analyzing such situations is vital to understand where the other person is coming from, and more importantly what our stance is on the given situation. A holistic picture needs to be understood to deal with the person and situation in the most effective manner. When dealing with a difficult person, who deliberately attempts to make a given situation harder, is a tricky situation. My primary nature of work is in the HR field and I am told of such situations on a regular basis. It seems there is always one person in an office or team who gets under the skin of other colleagues consistently.

The response to this from affected colleagues is also fairly consistent. They constantly run down the person for a lack of work ethic, commitment or even manners. The mistake with this view is that we look at the scenario from an isolated perspective. Little or no attention is given to what actually triggers the other person to act in this particular manner. Often we are the ones who are viewed as difficult individuals from the other person's perspective. Not taking into account that our personal biases or value systems may be very different from those of others we make critical errors. 

Here are a couple of pointers to help you in correctly understanding the situation at hand:

1. Personal Perspective: One of the most important factors when dealing with difficult people and situations is to first understand our own attitude towards the person or situation. Does one always take a particular stance when dealing with a particular type of person? Is this triggered by one's own personal biases or past experiences? If there is a consistent and apparent pattern with our behavior it may in fact be making it difficult for other people to work with us, this above all, needs to be corrected first.

2. Others Perspective: Next we need to assess why another person is acting difficult. What were the factors that triggered their altered behavior? Going back to the 'The Apprentice' example with Omarosa and Piers, one can clearly see that Piers has a biased stance towards Omarosa because she was not a celebrity. As project manager he linked performance solely to the amount of money that every team member could raise for the task. Since this was undoubtedly Omarosa's weak spot, she felt she was being exploited, and this caused her to become very challenging to manage. In all situations we need to establish where the other person is coming from, to understand them better.

3. External Factors: We have to be vigilant about external factors that trigger particular situations or attitudes from an individual. This comes back to the point where we need to be able to look at the larger picture and understand the cause of such behavior. Many a time it could be a new boss or major changes in the company. Either way, in order to deal effectively with a given situation these considerations need to be taken into account to do so in the most effective manner possible.

Often individuals tend to let the heat the of the moment get the better of them and say things which they would not have if they had a better understanding of the situation. This habit is not an effective way to deal with difficult individuals and situations, a change needs to be applied to be able to address given situations and people with better understanding. Special care needs to be taken when dealing with difficult people, spending time on analyzing situation better helps keep a better emotional control.

Last Sunday, after thousands of tiresome journeys between the Egyptian houses of incredible bureaucracy - as El-Segel El-Madany and Markaz El-Tagneed Wal Ta3be2a (I wanted to tell the stories, starting with the 13-hours-days standing in lines, going on long, fatal journeys to issue useless, wrong documents, and taking the walk instead of riding the bus, people who've been there know which bus I'm talking about .. but I'm so sick of them to the extent that I don't want to write a word about it!) ..

Anyway, I am now officially exempted from the military service:

شهادة بالإعفاء النهائي من أداء الخدمة العسكرية والوطنية طبقاً للمادة السابعة البند أولاً فقره -(ب) من القانون رقم 1980/127

Congrats :D al7amdolellaaaaaahhhhh .. LOL

We've all heard of road rage, that urge to commit violence (or at the very least voice-raising and the throwing of large, heavy objects) while driving. But what about those of us on the buses and trains in this city?

A little courtesy goes a long way. Let's revisit some of the fundamentals.

Situation #1: A person with greying hair, a cane or just generally older gets onto the bus. You are under the age of 25 or 30 and are sitting in the "priority seating for elderly or handicapped" seats at the front of the bus. What should you do?

Answer: Give up your seat! One day, you'll be old too ... and I'm sure you'll appreciate the courtesy of a young'un giving up their place to help you rest your weary bones.

Situation #2: An obviously pregnant woman gets on the packed bus or subway car. You are sitting comfortably reading your book. What do you do?

Answer #2: Again -- give up your seat!! If you had to think about it, you're an idiot.

Situation #3: Crowded rush hour train. You have a backpack. Do you (a) leave it on, no matter how many people are there on the train; or (b) put your bag on the floor between your legs?

Answer #3: Survey says ... (b): drop and stow. I personally think this is a bit of a grey area, especially in the middle of winter with all that slushy business happening, but I can understand the inadvertently-whacked-with-a-knapsack sensation being distinctly annoying.

Situation #4: You see a lineup at the bus stop. You see the bus approaching. Do you (a) step up to the front of the line just as the bus is pulling up, (b) merge with the people getting onto the bus so that you're not the first one on but not the last one either, or (c) get to the back of the line and wait your turn.

Answer #4: Despite frequent evidence to the contrary ... the answer is (c): get to the back of the line! What, you think that your lucky arrival just in time to catch that bus also gives you a right to get on before those people who actually got there beforehand and waited? Um, NO. It's called courtesy people!

Situation #5: Again, it's rush hour. You need tokens or tickets. There is one window open and a huge lineup. Do you (a) make everyone wait while you find your cash, (b) have your cash in hand by the time you get to the window, or (c) step aside so that other people can get through while you rummage for the cash to pay for your tokens?

Answer #5: The ideal situation is (b), plan ahead. But, failing that, at the very least (c): get out of the way while you rummage so that everyone doesn't have to suffer as a result of your poor planning or organization.

See? It's easy! Just a few simple rules to make the shared transit experience a better one for everyone.

Do you have more pet peeves? If so, send them my way.

A bit of truth.... for a change.

[Francisco Usón was freed on conditional release on December 24, 2007. Read more at www.CaracasNine.com]

I ran out of time the other day to expand on the quote above.  So here goes.....hopefully I can fully express what this means to me.

Does anyone else think that there are ideas and goals out there for our beloved nation that are not so good anymore?  The the time of over-developing and selling out should end?  That working together is literally - working together?  The idea of staying out of the political arena for other nations would be a splendid idea? I know my tax dollars would mucho happy and so would my retirement money,  that I will never see.  LOL ~

Expanding on outdated material has not brought us anything but the current situations we are in.  The finger pointing and delusions of billions have gone down the toilet.  Yet they are still being worked. Why? All in the name of oil?  All in the name of rich?  All in the name of might/pride/greed?

"Grass roots" comes to mind here.  Start simple on an idea you have had.  Understand that you are going to be meeting with total and utter dismay.  That the challenges faced would be of rage, "how could you", and threats - shoot maybe even death if those around do not like the idea of change.  (To that I would have to use the "good 'ol boy" syndrome here.) 

Since a voice is among millions - the idea has to be small - in you.  The amazing thing is - you realize later on - you don't need to have a "following".  That causes backstabbing and a whole big mess.  What you realize is that truth, really is what will back your ass up - and a Wonderful. (LOL!  Yes, Wonderful is my support along with my extremely high strung ideas of "why the hell does no one see/listen/ ask more questions" <- that is a long list.) Digression - sorry. 

What works in your area?  What is the little news paper saying every week, that just makes you mad "it" is happening in your area? How do you see a resolution?  Even if it is not acted on right away, a seed - the idea - just got planted.  If one hears what you are saying, has better morals than most out there, and is honest, they could just be the one to develop the outdated - You gave them a voice. You gave them an idea. Or you expanded on it and took the bull by the horns and said, "Wait a minute! I live here too and I do not agree. I have an idea let's at least try."

Currently, I feel, that exploitations of the outdated have been taken serious advantage of - in all areas of the government. A government that was developed to protect (first and foremost) and ensure freedoms of all, against tyranny at home or aboard.  Seeking the loopholes or even creating them for ones own gain, causes what you and I see today.  The idea/seed was planted, "they did it - so can I".  Trying to re-establish a good balance, will have to come from the World that is still going to be moving and changing, without selling out or walking all over a decent, non-aggressive family, or person.  Putting the seed of change out there has already happened - yet "flip flops" are occurring because - ah - you cannot make everyone happy.  What is the cure?  Equality. Simple idea.  Lost idea. But a regaining idea that everyone is entitled to what this Nation was created.

Currently, I feel, that red tape, bullying, lying, loopholes, buyouts, payoffs, <- again another long list, have destroyed basic fundamentals for equality.  For security.  For a life well lived. I would hate to be the person who has sold out.  When you are old and sitting in a nursing home somewhere - I do not want to hear, "those young kids out there .. blah, blah, blah." - Remember it is you that has caused this - working an outdated program and then not creating an equal program to continue developing a better nation. It is you that just set the example and planted that seed.  Why do you think it won't happen...to you?  (Note: Wills get changed all the time - illegally. That is where my thought was heading too.  Can't cover all your bases and you can't keep honest enough people around when you get old.  Not unless they really do love you.)

Again - just a voice here - I hope you agree or disagree - but either way - that you are thinking.

I speak Swedish with my family - quite safe here in Israel, even though it happened a few times that I met people who understand Swedish.. and it went all weird and embarrassing and you start thinking What the heck did I talk about the last few minutes. I hope I didn't say anything bad.

When we don't want the kids to hear what we say.. when we want to plan things without their opinion - or just be able to talk without their comments about this and that - we speak English. Works fine! -this far. Though Efraim is curious and started asking a lot and is slowly slowly starting to learn a bit. He knows a lot more English than I did when I was ten and started studying English in school. That's one of the reasons we now started studying Spanish.. so we can switch to Spanish when the kids reach the level in English where they will actually understand what we're saying.

When we go to Sweden (which happened only once this far) we speak Hhebrew.. quite safe too. There are only a few situations where we really don't have any language that works.. and that's when the whole family is around.. with brothers and parents who understand both Hebrew and Swedish. And that's why we've got to add some more languages to our list!!

All of us have come in contact with varying types of difficult people. Sometimes we may have known the person for a fair period of time and at others it could be the newest colleague on your team. Either way, to deal effectively with difficult people we need to understand their personality type. This enables us to choose the optimal way to deal with them in the most effective manner. The tricky part comes when we have to deal with a difficult, unknown individual. I do personal counseling and have come across my share of such individuals. One of the most effective ways of drawing some conclusions fairly early in the conversation is asking open ended questions.

For example, I was giving a candidate feedback on a personality assessment he had taken. From the word go this person was totally against such forms of tests in the workplace. When he came in for the feedback session it was a textbook example of one who was not going to cooperate. His arms were crossed, refused to make eye contact and would answer open ended questions with answers such as "I don't know", "this is a useless exercise" etc. To turn this situation effectively, turn the answers such as "why do you think this is a useless exercise?" into questions, and get the other person to open up a little more. There were a lot of discrepancies in this particular candidates personality report, hence it could not be used in this session. However, after a 2 hour session we made progress, after I understood the reason he felt this way about testing.

In the book "Dealing with difficult people" by Rick Brinkman & Rick Kirschner they have identified 10 different behavior patterns of people under pressure:

The Steamroller (or Tank): Aggressive and angry. Victims can feel paralyzed, as though they’ve been flattened.

The Sniper: The Sniper’s forte is sarcasm, rude remarks, and eye rolls. Victims look and feel foolish.

The Know-It-All: Wielding great authority and knowledge, Know-it-all do have lots to offer, are generally competent, and cannot stand to be contradicted or corrected. But they will go out of their way to correct you.

The Grenade: Grenades tend to explode into uncontrolled ranting that has little, if anything, to do with what has actually happened.

The Think They Know It All: A cocksure attitude often fools people into believing their phony “facts.”

The Yes Person: Someone who wants to please others so much that he never says no.

The Maybe Person: Procrastinating, hoping to steer clear of choices that will hurt feelings, he avoids decisions, causing plenty of frustration along the way.

The Blank Wall (or Nothing Person): This person offers only a blank stare, no verbal or nonverbal signals.

The No Person: He spreads gloom, doom, and despair whenever any new ideas arise, or even when old ones are recycled. The No Person saps energy from a group in an amazingly short time.

The Whiner: Whiners feel helpless most of the time and become overwhelmed by the unfairness of it all. They want things to be perfect, but nothing seems to go right. Whiners want to share their misery.

Identify the type of person you are dealing with, after that you can determine the best way to work together with this person. The most important thing is not to get frustrated during the exploratory finding of the personality type. This is not the easiest of processes, but keeping your cool and emotional quotient under control will help you reach the most effective way of dealing with them at the earliest.

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All of us have been in situations where we have had to deal with difficult individuals. These are not the easiest of situations to handle, and hence great care must be taken. I was watching the apprentice a couple of days ago, the episode that had the fireworks between Omarosa and Piers. For those who have not watched this episode, Omarosa has an aggressive and combative personality, Piers is an alpha male with a very strong personality too. Unfortunately both of them do not get along well, and Omarosa made it very difficult for Piers when he was project manager on a task. Much can be learnt from this episode regarding how to, and how not to, handle such situations.

Often we have to deal with difficult bosses, team mates, customers and suppliers. This is just part of life and something we cannot escape. I believe avoiding such situations only makes the situation worse and restricts one from operating optimally. We have to tackle the problem head on, and work towards establishing a situation where both individuals can work optimally. This is usually an uncomfortable route to take, I have had my share of them. Looking back at past experiences I have learnt tremendously from such situations. These are situations that help us understand our thresholds, emotional triggers and personality type a lot more when facing them.

Over the next week I will be writing about my experiences in dealing with difficult individuals. The series aims to serve as a guide and help readers through similar situations, by providing tips on how to deal with them. I am also interested in learning from readers about their experiences with difficult people and what strategies they have used to handle such situations. I look forward to comments and feedback.

and God Gave me difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for wisdom

and God gave me problems to learn to solve.

I asked for faith

and God gave me troubles to learn to trust.

I asked for prosperity

and God gave me brain and brawn to work.

I asked for patience

and God placed me in situations where I was forced to wait.

I asked for courage

and God gave me dangers to overcome.

I asked for love

and God gave me troubled people to help.

I received nothing I wanted.

I received everything I needed.

My prayer has been answered.

Glory be to God!

(author unknown)

This could say and should say a lot about current situations.  As I have been told and agree with, if I should ever disappear ~ it is not because I wanted too.  :-)

Well, the most logical way to go about such a problem would be to take yourself out of the miserable situation and put yourself in a better one which will bring your self esteem back up. Then, look at the possible reasons why your last situation didn't work, if its you that was the problem, change things. If not, then forget about it and try to avoid such situations in the future. In the meantime, focus on the things people like about you and do what you can to make them noticable. Take the things people don't like about you, or perhaps the things you don't like about yourself and work to make them better or unnoticable. There are also times where such situations as previously described are not avoidable in which casre you should try your best to ignore the situation and focus on yourself rather than what's going on around you. This way your mind will be less likely to get caught up in other people's affairs.

"I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Inside youre ugly
Ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you"

-Staind 

Casual Relationships. What does that mean to you? Locally, I would call that a friend with benefits, someone who is non-exclusive. You basically are having your cake and eating it too!

But are you?

What about someone who lives a little farther away? Would you dare? Do you think that you might get hurt? Catch feelings? Want more?

It's so often that people say casual relationships will never work because someone of the two will always have feelings, at least more than the other. Well. I have a little trick up my sleeve, it's a LDF: or Long Distance Friend.

And, it's just that, someone who is far enough away, but you still share a connection; mostly physical/sexual, but could you really expect to have anything more? It's nice, you have what you want, on your terms, when you want it, -granted it takes a little more planning around schedules; but personally I think that adds a little more to it, and there's no strings attached.

Yea, you might like him/her, you may have feelings, but here is where that great old saying "Out of Sight, Out of Mind," actually works. I'm sure it's being thought that this is ridiculous, who would ever want to be with someone who lives so far away? Someone that can't come home to, someone you have to wait by the phone or your IM to hear from?...

Easy.

If you're pretty busy and don't want the hassle of being questioned- 'Where were you? I stopped by, you weren't there, who was that I saw you with...' or just can't seem to find what your looking for in your area, then this just might be something a Little more exciting, and a good fit. No worries about gossip -he said, she said, if your going to run into them when your out, (not that, that's a bad thing, but when your single, and you have relations with someone, and your seen out -separately, its kinda an automatic 'ah well, since were here, we should be glued to each others hip...' -ok maybe its just my city), or if you just want you space. I personally, have had my ups and downs because I like a lot of space. So people tend to get to that space of needy-clinging, I want to spend all my time with you, and if that's not what's going, well you end up pushing them away with out even realizing it.

Yes, there are plenty of ups and downs to a "relationship" like this too. But if both parties are open and willing, and both know that this will NEVER end up being anything more, you'll be surprised to see what can come about.

The In-Between Time

You kind-of get to see communication in a totally different perspective, not being able to physically interact with someone in a conversation, or being able to read someone can be difficult, but if your looking for Mr. Future, this isn't it, but Mr. Right Now will do. :)

Great conversation is almost a given with an LDF, talking about literature, music, news, my fave debating, it can almost be intensified because the conversation is the only way you have to express yourself, and you find your emphasis through your words, instead of your actions.

Sure, there's quite the gap in intimacy, but that's where your creative side should come into play... camera phones, web cams, kinky texting, its all fun and exciting. Although, not everyone can get by on just that, and your LDF, just might be a good ol' pen pal after-all. So let your hair down, and take a few extra minutes and send your 'friend' something kinky, just to get their mind wondering, engage in a little text phone sex (hey it's discrete) Then when you can sneak away, snap a pic of what those naughty words make you want to do with them...

Arrangements

So how often should you see each other? How far is too far? What if money is an issue when it comes to traveling. This might be a little harder, but to be put simply, see each other whenever you can, based on your schedules, and both of your needs. If you're in the same state, little weekend getaways are great, if out of state, then some planned saving might be a good idea. Too far,is never too far! yea if there are different time zones you might want to make accommodations, you don't want someone calling you in the middle of the night...

Traveling on the other hand, the best way to make that work it to take turns one, or go Dutch (half & half). That way its not misconstrued or sought upon someone to always be forking out the money. It still takes to to tango, no matter what the arrangements are.

The what ifs, why nots, and maybes...

As long as it's made well-aware, going into something, where there could be a possibility of emotions getting mixed up, there should be guidelines, ok, well maybe not "guidelines", but some mutual understandings about how things are going to be taken. If your engaging in something with someone and its made very clear, from the beginning, you don't want any of that 'well I didn't know, you never said anything until now...' If both of you bring it up through conversation touch lightly about your feelings, your partner might just be seeing what and where your head is at. But being pushy, pressing the issue that you want more of them, and what if this, why not that, maybe we could do this...could leave you hearing the dial tone very soon.

Having surface feelings is one thing. It's what allows you to become connected, to sharing  yourself, mentally and physically.

Just remember if your looking for someone to have some fun with, travel, push the boundaries with, and still keep your space and your own life, someone that you date away from where you are, isn't always a bad thing...

THE CLOSETED QUEER IN QUEENS

What I'd love to see would be something like an undo/redo tree. I missed that for a long time, but the idea came up again when I recently saw this image on the GIMP UI Brainstorm, by Jan Rüegg:

It shows pretty clearly what it wasn't to say. Perhaps the options in the context menu would be really difficult to implement, like moving a branch, or a "leaf", but the general idea would be worth the effort.

I know that GIMP isn't meant as a replacement to Photoshop, but as Photoshop doesn't have this function either, this would be a clear advantage over that software. I'm sure many people would switch, or at least start using GIMP.

When I asked that on IRC, it started a big discussion, luckily not about if it's useable, but rather if/how it would be doable. It would make sense as a first step, as a pre-undo-tree, to implement saving history to the XCF file, but considering where GIMP is heading, it could be considered useless. GIMP tries to become a non-destructive editor. (Although it would be still cool to see your steps one by one.)

Nevertheless, for actions like drawing, selecting, filters and so on, it would be cool to have something similar to a undo-redo-tree. Sure you can argue now, if that won't be going to be wasted development time of code what will be thrown away later, but it really depends on what GIMP wants to become. We'll probably have to wait. And hey, why not become versatile?

Result : you will be in a state of panic. Now the adrenalin will be pumping heavily and your blood will be rushed from brain to other parts of body. The beauty with the state of panic is that, once u enter this state, it will increase steadily making it very difficult to come out of it.

I am referring to my situation, the same time last year. one fine day, i reached office, was in a very good mood, hearing music from my ipod, read all my mails and was about to start the work. then it happened. my manager gave a call and asked me to meet him. It was sooo unexpected. I started to panic. With myself heavily immersed in panic state, i entered his room. By the time i saw him, i was almost in an unconsious state.

After that, whenever i think of that incident, i dont know, what made me give undue importance to him and that meeting. Then one fine day, i got the answer. Panic happens only when you are going to encounter something, which is unexpected. And in my opinion, it can happen only when u have given undue importance to something, which is not worth.

Life has change a lot after this. Now i have to meet my manager, i am taking a breath, make sure that the meeting is not being given undue importance and taking another deep breathe, and now i am entering his cabin consiously.

see u guys soon. :)

In one side my parents are trying hard to convince me to get married. in the other side, i am hearing my mind saying, its time for my startup.but again here my worst enemy is fears and inhibitions (as usual). what if i fail... .

y'day, i saw this movie "The matrix". Here, at one point, the main character is being given the choice of taking either the blue pill or the red pill. if he takes blue pill, he can remain ignorant of the fact that he is living in a world of illusion and will allow him to live as he is . the red pill will give him the freedom to view things as they really are.

Now i am imagining myself in that situation. what to do ? How can i take a path, that i dont know, to achieve something,which i never know ?

My decision : Red and the Blue pills are still in my hands. I have decided to hold on till my brain gets settled . :)

“To every man there comes in his lifetime that special moment when he is figuratively tapped on the shoulder and offered a chance to do a very special thing, unique to him and fitted to his talents. What a tragedy if that moment finds him unprepared or unqualified for the work which would be his finest hour.”
Winston Churchill